And I should ask them to take accountability, a friend told me
I have been thinking about importing my notes to this blog. In the form of the first email in the threads I have with a friend. One of these books we discussed lately I read for book club. An Abolitionist's Handbook by Patrisse Cullors.
There's a chapter about being accountable and what that means. About forgiving actively and not passively, where the latter is where you just let things go without bothering to address the behavior in the other person that led to the problem. Like letting someone flake a bunch of times on you and always telling them that you're fine and you understand and not having a real conversation with them about what it means to you and what you want from them before you "forgive" them.
I said I wasn't ready for active forgiveness. I passively forgive people all the time because I don't see the point in bothering people to change when they don't have the capacity to change. I can see it in the way they react to stress. Anything I say to them they'll just use as a weapon against themselves, so there's no point in saying anything at all. It's too much work, on my end, to try to make someone accountable without them feeling like I'm attacking them. I don't want to care. I just tell people it's fine when it's not fine to me and deal with my own emotions on the side, because that's what being a "good" friend means to me: not bothering other people with your shit.
My friend said that part of my problem lies with the fact that I live with my sister, who I have a lot of obligation and trauma about (regarding the fact that I rely on her and feel like a burden) that she's not taking accountability for. I said that I can't ask her to be accountable to me when I must have also caused her trauma by making her take care of me from all the way back since we were young, and according to the power scales it will always continue to tip in her favor because I owe her too much. They told me that taking accountability doesn't mean splitting the world into abuser/victim but that two people who have hurt each other can be accountable to each other.
Well, I don't want to do it. It feels unsafe. Similarly, it feels unsafe to tell any friend that they have ever hurt me either, because I feel like the end result is that I just hurt them instead because they will take whatever I say as an excuse to hurt themselves even though that's literally counter to what would make me feel better. And to be honest, I don't even have faith that I'm all that much better. I think in general I try to remember what other people don't like and what hurts them but it's not like I get it right every time. (Also, a lot of people are just straight up bad at judging their limits and say things are okay and then you do the thing and it actually wasn't okay at all and you had to know that from reading their emotions with extreme attention.) And when I don't get it right they basically just blow up at me and I can't say that I don't then beat myself up about it on my own time later. Not in front of them, of course, because they don't deserve that.
Sometimes, though, I just get so tired about how I feel like I'm checking the box of all the steps to make other people feel better and no one does for me. And then I have the sinking thought, what if they are already trying for me, though, in ways that I can't see, and will never know, and I'm not even aware of what I'm doing to them, because they've judged that it's not good for me to know in the same way that I've judged them? What could my sister be putting up with about me that I don't know, constantly passively forgiving, because she knows I can't change? And once I have that thought I get so anxious that I shut down my feelings of resentment and run over my tallies again to try to make sure that I'm the one in the relationship who has done More for the other person's feelings. If the tally is unclear, and I'm not pulling ahead, I feel bad.
If everyone has to constantly step around each other like this, then what else is there to do? It's all so tiring, sometimes. But I hate myself when I mess up; so if other people hate themselves when they mess up too then there's simply no winning. There's no way for anyone to come clean in general. I know this and I know that supposedly I could fix my side of the equation by making myself better adjusted. But I don't know what to do about the fundamental emotion of shame that underlies my existence. I don't want to have to try anymore, I want it to stop hurting me. I want it all to stop more than I want anything to be better. I don't believe things will get better. I hate myself making for all the mistakes I did in the past where I hurt other people. I also hate other people sometimes when they continue to hurt me in the same way.
The friend that told me this is the only friend that I have a mutual accountability thing going on with. And it doesn't make me feel All That much better. It doesn't because every time I remember how different we are and the wide semantic chasm that lies between us to the point that we have to spend a lot of time explaining to each other what we mean when we say XYZ, I feel tired. This is as good as it gets, and it doesn't even get that good. Sure, there are moments where I feel better and happy about having someone to be real with. And then there's all the other moments, where I wonder why the hell on earth it can't be easier. Sometimes, it's easier to just not bother. I know I'm taking the easy way out.
...
What would it look like if tomorrow I woke up and said that I wasn't going to guess at people's feelings or even care if they beat themselves up about it, and told people that I needed them to change or we'd stop being friends? I don't actually know if that's what accountability means, to be honest. I mean, that just comes across like a punishment to the other people for being themselves, to me. I'm also fairly certain that people won't change on the timeline that I want or need. So I don't want to even bother with asking.
I'm also not changing on the timeline other people want or need. There's too much wrong with me that I can't even seem to fix before I go around asking other people to stop doing things that I get hurt by.
And well, the book says it itself, anyway— Other people don't owe you anything. They don't owe you change just because you want it. I know this. So how am I supposed to stop doing calculus about what's the best trajectory for other people? How am I supposed to say, actually, it really hurt me when you did that, stop doing that and also stop beating yourself up about it because then it makes me feel worse? They're just going to hurt themselves and hide it, anyway. That's what I do, at any rate. No matter how I think about it, I can't help but think that the kindest outcome is where I act as support until they can improve on their own timeline, and then the relationship naturally dies because they don't need me anymore. Where I don't say a single thing to them about how I actually feel, because it's not useful to them and their future. And in the meantime I get to talk to more than 0 people and pretend that I'm useful, or something. And when they're gone, there'll be someone else to talk to with a similar situation. A constant rotation where I play my role and then the play ends and we roll credits and go our separate ways; on to the next show with new faces and new problems. How is that not the best option? Expecting anything from other people just gets you hurt, so all I can do is do my best to minimize the pain I cause other people.
I guess someone would say that it's a fantasy that you can go without hurting anyone and at some point you won't be able to take it anymore and you'll blow up at someone and thus be the one in the major wrong. But I feel like I've done really good so far at not blowing up at people even when I'm mad at them in the last like 4+ years. I feel like I'm also really good at isolating when I need to so that other people don't have to deal with me being upset. I feel like other people in my life aren't as good at it as me. But maybe that's self-deluding and I'm forgetting about how bad I was in my teen years.
I'm tired and I don't have an answer. I wish everyone would go to therapy with a therapist that actually helps them. I wish I could just disappear and be done with it all, also.