And the mind traps continue
I still don't feel like I'm studying fast enough and I don't know how to pace myself. This is so sad. I just don't want to be stuck here for like another 9 months because I'm so desperate to prove that I'm capable at something. That I'm doing something that scared me before, and I'm a new person who won't waste their time on being in places ze doesn't like, talking to the wrong people.
I know some of this is time-hoarding and my typical OCPD fixation on efficiency but I think there's also a pressure to try to prove it to myself that I'm capable of change and I'm different now and I can actually take charge of my life and center the things I want instead of what I think other people want, and what I want right now more than anything is to not have to be tethered to my dad or anyone else out there that I don't want to be. I want the option to walk away and form my own space, and to do that I need money. And boundaries, but that part is easier... except when financials are involved.
The problem is that if you move too fast you also get frustrated because the results aren't appearing and the timeline is so fucking damn long. I know I need to cultivate some appreciation for the process, but I guess my usual "but I haven't accomplished anything and wasted like 7 years of my life translating for some game franchise that has nothing to do with me anymore and that I can never tell people I translated for anymore, so whatever" is whacking me with the rubber mallet again.
I keep finding myself thinking about going back in time and simply not doing the above. To do what I'm doing now. Which must be a shame-based frame of thought, and it's absolutely goddamn useless because no one can ever turn back time. But what's making me dwell is that I'm really afraid that 7 years from now I'm going to think the same exact thing that I'm thinking now, yet again, because I chose wrong again, but you can't know the future so the only way you can know the outcome is going through it, and if I don't want to waste 7 whole years then the best thing I can do is go as fast as possible so I can fucking see where it leads me ASAP and change course with less regret.
The same mind traps are the same as they ever are, and if I'm getting worked up, I guess that's a sign that I should be doing the opposite and letting up instead of pushing. Figuring out shortcuts instead of doggedly trying harder. Feels Bad(^TM) though so I guess I'll mull over this for 3-7 days before finally admitting to myself that I need to chill the F out and try to channel the "embrace being a failure" train of thought instead