Arts/Crafts Meetup Log #10
Blender is kicking my ass and all night I kept dreaming about the next steps in attempting 3D modeling. As a result, when I arrived, I didn't even really ask people how they were doing or anything (I generally forget unless I'm asked first, and then sometimes I still forget! augh!) and just took out my computer and started clicking away.
I barely talked to anyone, but as usual, other people seem a lot more tuned into what's going on in the area, so I osmosis a bit. Living under my rock...
I kind of hate the perpetual tension between wanting to just "be myself" and be a quiet, weird person existing in an area imperfectly and the knowledge that I am actively failing other people's bids for conversation because I only think about it like a few minutes after when the opportunity has passed. Woe............. I don't know what the right way to be is and what I actually want besides to just exist where other people are occasionally.
Where is the line between "masking is detrimental to your mental health" and "putting in effort to return people's bids for attention is kind and good for human connection"...? The problem is that I feel like, to be able to actively respond to people's speech in groups, I'd have to prep myself with like 5 questions to try to ask other people and keep vigilance to remember to ask them rather than enjoying myself. Is enjoying being a quiet weirdo hurting other people? I think sometimes the answer might be "kind of," which is not great. Do I even enjoy being a quiet weirdo? I think I enjoy not having to put in effort and not have anxiety while doing whatever's interesting to me, and that might not be the kindest thing I can do. But if you're obviously anxious, people pick up on that energy too so I dunnnnooooo
Blender is still kicking my fuckin ass tho