Board Games Meetup #2
Hm. What to say. The most important thing I get from these board game meetups is basically practicing distress tolerance because normal people talk about stuff like careers and I do not really do the small talk thing. It's just a practice in being uncomfortable and surviving at this point, esp b/c I do not care about board games.
I actually don't know why I keep getting invited to these when it's evident that I'm not a board game person...??
Roster of people today consisted of Multiple Names Guy, Purple Corn, Chill Lady, and Mobile Community. They were playing Terraforming Mars (the lighter version) and it looked like a game I totally would not be able to play on account of not caring enough to keep track of all the things. Also it's just Colonialism The Game so I really could not care less. The cubes looked like they would be satisfying to hold, though.
Everyone assumes that I work or have a job or whatever and I just don't seem to have the guts to say otherwise and that I'm studying something in a manner so inefficient I basically got told by my therapist to stop dragging my feet (before they then quit being my therapist due to having to move practices). I don't know how to tell the average person that I don't have typical adult independence and all of that on account of being mentally ill, and I have never worked a real, respectable job. Now that I'm 30, I only become more aware of my position as a failure in reference to dominant capitalist culture. And I don't really contest that at all. But I'm also tired of feeling shame about it. So I just exist in this neutral gray zone where I know I don't have worth to people and yet I don't feel moved to enact self-punishment in their stead because I already know the outcome of that is useless.
Where do perpetual failures go, I wonder? I'm always about 8 years behind where I ought to be emotionally. But I can't go 8 or 10 years back to make different decisions or think differently, and I also cannot make myself think in a manner that I will come to know in 8 more years now, even though it would probably save me the grief. Assuming that those 8 years actually show emotional improvement, that is. The most comforting thing I've read recently is a Reddit thread where someone asks what to do about being 30 and having wasted your whole life. And pretty much everyone there is saying that 30 is still young and there's still time. Some people talking about how they only got their stuff together by 40 or whatever.
Of course, it is entirely possible that 10 more years will go by and I still won't have achieved any modicum of success in a capitalist system. To be honest, I just don't think I was built to live in a world like this. My emotional needs far outweigh what is required to be Successful, even if I still foster random daydreams about such a thing. There are many who the world isn't accommodating of, and I think I may just be one of those that always lives in the shadow and periphery.
If that's what my role is though, I wish I could at least play it well and not have to go through the preemptive rejection. I wish I could at least own it unapologetically. Because being apologetic hasn't changed anything and no one has given me an easy way to die. These are the two facts on the ground that remain evergreen.
Anyway, I think I may show up to one more board game session for like 2 hours again and then stop entirely. Mostly because while distress tolerance is useful, I don't want to have to pay like $10 every time just to do my due diligence in feeling bad. Like there's gotta be free ways to do that (though will I seek them out, is another question).
Life sure is deeply silly when you have two "personality disorders." On the bright side, if I randomly die before 40, not much will have be lost and "I" will technically be free, unless those Buddhists are onto something with the reincarnation thing (please no).
Going home and reclaiming my happiness by catching up with You and I Are Polar Opposites and making gifs.