Book Club Log #14
Arrived 10 minutes early and felt kind of weird. I find that sometimes I think about things I could tell other people about my life that would be real and vulnerable -- like how stressful my life has been recently with flea cleaning, my sister's constant downer mood due to stuff blowing up at her abusive job even more than usual, my mom telling us she was going to visit only 2 weeks ahead and then flaking on us a few days before, my dad visiting in May, the 4th cat we're supposed to be gaining whose owner kept flaking on us for like the past four weekends -- but when it comes down to it, I just don't because it feels like it's maybe going too far.
The book this month was Enemy Feminisms by Sophie Lewis, and I only finished reading half of it before I gave up because of all the aforementioned stressors. The discussion was surprisingly on topic this time, maybe because there wasn't a lot to discuss, and we randomly had like 5 new people for a total of like 16. Most notably was someone I'll call Sun, who loved the book and contributed a lot. Though Old Guy again talked more than his fair share, it was noticably less since virtually everyone spoke at least once, though there were still some awkward pauses.
The main takeaway I had from all that was that I should at least read the section on anti-abortion feminism as that seems like it would have the most relevant new information to me.
Chill Lady was here this week and I got paired up with her for pair shares, which made the conversation relatively easy.
5 of the new people seem to have asked for the Signal group, so maybe I'll see them again. I again did not start a conversation with any new person even though it wouldn't have been a bad idea. I just don't know how to go about doing that without feeling like I'm imposing on someone.
After the general conversation I did my typical standing around and engaged in some small talk with the usual folks. Teacher Guy brought someone with him this time, not sure if that's his wife or not. I definitely did not get everyone's names, I was zoning out during introductions due to my anxiety. I think the beginning of stuff is generally the worst. Maybe this is why some people always come late.
Something I've been pondering lately is just much I seem to feel that my life is so much less interesting than other people's and that I have so fewer interesting lived experiences because of my social anxiety. There seems in me to be this duality where I think my thoughts are really interesting but I also think I'm boring as a person and lacking compared to others who go out and do things and talk to all sorts of new people. I guess there is really nothing I can do that will make this feeling go away tomorrow, or the day after, so all I can do is try to observe it when it's happening and just sit with it ACT-style. I've been on Reddit lately and observing the social anxiety subreddit and trying to just see other people's experiences without going to the kneejerk "This person has it a billion times easier than me what" or "I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that and that I've managed to at least do Some Things". Probably the first step to feeling less like I have nothing to show for my life is to see other people who haven't "accomplished" much and reach a state of pure neutrality regarding them. The ability to just see them as people instead of benchmarks, or something.
Another month, another book club. Who knows if I'm improving or not, but I'm continuing to do something or another.