Book Club Log #15
This month's book was Perfect Victims by Mohammed El-Kurd. We had a fair number of new people. What surprised me was that out of two people who were new and happened to be sitting together last time, the one that didn't talk as much was the one who returned this time. Maybe that just goes to show you can't really know what going on in people's lives and their relative commitment, even if they appear really enthusiastic. I wonder if anyone has thought that about me too since I'm also really quiet and awkward.
This conversation was punctuated by very long gaps where no one said anything, even though it had its normal amount of Old Guy derailing. I felt kind of bad for Teacher Lady since she had to do a lot of moderating, but I felt pretty out of it since so much has been going on in my life and I'm adjusting my sleep schedule (for real this time?). I initially sort of contributed by sort-of-not-really pointing out which question I wanted to hear people's thoughts on, only I forgot to mention the question number or contextualize it at all. I then proceeded to not talk at all until the end when I basically asked what the better approach is if not relying on humanization in having these conversations. Teacher Lady said that even having conversations with people about hard topics like this is a good thing. And Bookstore Employee said it was about the process and not the outcome since you won't walk away with catharsis from every conversation. Another person, new but very well-spoken, at some point said that we have to get better at having uncomfortable conversations and being okay with being the villain in someone else's life sometimes. This is all very well and good but my ass is currently NOT having these conversations RIFP
Speaking of which, I feel like I saw Teacher Lady and Bookstore Employee making signals at each other multiple times, like pen movements and pushing up glasses in a pointed manner. I feel like one of these must be "Interrupt Old Guy".
Otherwise of note, we actually had a Palestinian attending club today (also new) and she shared some life experiences. Like how she's from the West Bank and a bunch of the art along the walls separating it from the eastern side has a lot of African-American tributes because of the shared solidarity. How she's always wondered about why media reports just focus on "women and children" when their men don't deserve to be killed either, and this book had an answer.
I nearly ended up in a pair share with her at the start, and I had the unfortunately useless yet inescapable thought cycle of, "Oh boy, talking to someone who this actually affects? What if I say something really stupid or don't say anything at all because my energy is so dead and then she comes away with thinking that people aren't supporting Palestine. For that matter, I have nearly next to nothing in any lived experience because I'm a terminally online shut-in who doesn't go anywhere or do anything. I'm gonna fail someone in real time and not just as a hypothetical," which I can only assume is a thought process more akin to white people who feel guilty than anything else, and realizing that is also not great because you would hope that being a person of color would teach you better but also POC utopic solidarity is also kinda fake, so unfortunately I have the "person in privilege being a baby about talking to the only person with intimate lived experience of this particular oppression in the room" mind trap.
Anyway, I continue to try to show up and try to confront the possibility of failure. I feel what I'm going to feel about it, and I continue to flounder. Don't think I did very good this book club session either, but time should make people forget, so it is what it is.
After the meeting, I spotted a picture book drawn by my friend. So I bought it and then hopped out. It honestly was probably a topic I could've talked to people about (for example, with Chill Lady since I even exchanged avocadoes for some tofu because she ordered some and they gave her 30 whole packs on accident), but like most things, I didn't really think about it and only realized in retrospect. I aaaalso realized that I didn't say good-bye and I keep doing this. This, like small talk, is truly one of those things that seem very obvious to anyone with Good Manners and I'm just kind of an idiot about it. Don't recommend being infected by social anxiety, doesn't really do anything good.
Anyway, the book is cute.