Book Club Log #16
This month's book was Woodworking by Emily St. James, of which I need to finish writing my long emotional post about.
I had reached out to a book club member about this book because I wanted to talk to another gender diverse person about it, and we have plans to talk about it later (maybe I'm becoming their friend? honestly at this point I'm now like worrying that I won't even have enough to talk to them about waaaaaaah), but the group format here meant that I felt really awkward and hardly said anything in the first half (so fucking typical for me where the first half is just me trying to work up the courage to talk, and then even then sometimes I fail to lmao).
I did talk some in the second-half. I can only hope that I wasn't too off-putting.
Afterwards, I ended up talking to Cargo Pants, who was gone away to college for the school year previously. There were definitely some awkward silences but I'm trying not to overthink everything and just assume it is low stakes. She happened to say that she wanted to read more graphic novels so I ended up telling someone in this club for the first time about how I primarily read romance comics. This is generally something I sort of hide, but given that the theme of Woodworking is to live authentically, I figured I might as well be honest. I am slated to give her Yuri Recommendations later, which I have to somehow do without just linking her this blog because that's awkward as hell and way TMI about my mental unwellness.
I've learned that she's in her first year of college, which is like, whoops am I getting friendly with someone 10 years younger than me?? Social Anxiety folks will fail the vibe for for other close-to-30 year olds and accidentally become buddies with people in very different life stages than them. Half-joking because I do chat occasionally with people who are nearer my age in the club; but the first time Cargo Pants showed up to club and pushed back against whatever weird thing Old Guy said at the time, I thanked her for coming, and now I did it again after having like a 15 min one-on-one chat with her?? I don't even know frog 🐸 sometimes I'm just looking for things to say waaah
I do think I get along okay with her but I have no idea how to bring up the age thing naturally like oh no I'm sorry if you thought I was another college student aaaaa
Anyway, having a one-on-one convo for that long with acquaintance is like ummm maybe I've fulfilled my socialization quota, so I left. And then when I got home my sis was like, "You're back so early," sorry for fleeing 😭 can I not just take this as a win...
I dont know... Living authentically I guess means having to fess up to being a weird 30-year-old who hasn't achieved anything in life #diversity #failurerights #it'sOKaslongasnooneexpectsanythingfromme #settingthebarlowerforothers #👍👍👍
my sis is all like, you don't have to achieve anything or prove anything to anyone, and like I Know but I don't Believe in my heart of hearts so to speak. I'm just predicting the disappointment ahead of time because at least when I talk to older people or people my age outside of book club that's almost universally the reaction I get, anyway. Hmm.
I guess if a 19/20-year-old wants to be disappointed in me that is fine and livable, and I feel awkward but it's probably Not That Deep. Anyone can choose to stop interacting with me at any time, and they absolutely should if they're feeling weird about it. (Now the other problem is when people 5+ years younger than me latch onto me online for therapy replacement and I have to do the part of the rejection... but that doesn't have anything to do with this situation anyway. I'm just now more wary of becoming friends with anyone way younger than me.)
But hey. 99% of everyone you ever meet will never be more than a passing name and face, so it probably isn't that big of a deal. In four years, I bet it'll be the same as it is now or maybe the book club won't even exist or she won't be attending anymore zzzzzzzzzz
Otherwise there were two people that had seemed to come to book club before but I didn't really know them. They seemed fun, but again I'm bad at starting conversations with people even if they're people I'm curious about. The fact that I talked to Cargo Pants at all was largely just because she happened to be standing alone there and I didn't know who else to talk to. Dude this social game beating my ass—
wait no I have to encourage myself to Think Positively
I #survived I'm #adapting I am #capableofchange