Book Club Log #19
This month's book was How to Hide an Empire by Daniel Immerwahr. I was worried that I wasn't going to finish it given that this month the last Thursday is nearly a week earlier than expected and the fact that I got knocked off of my flow with an anxiety spiral like a week or two ago. To finish reading this book, I downloaded it on my mobile and computer and borrowed the audio book. So I did manage to finish listening to it (need to finish taking notes on the last part, though).
I also took my legal terms test today (and passed) so I didn't really feel like doing anything else. I even fell asleep on the couch with one of my cats before getting myself to eat an early dinner and making the trek over to book club. I wonder sometimes if there will ever be a day when I actually feel nothing but excitement for going to book club and being at complete ease. Somehow, it feels impossible to imagine. I show up to book club because it's good for me and it's enjoyable enough, but it's never not anxiety-inducing either.
I arrived early and talked briefly to Old Guy. Two high schoolers (freshmen) got interested in our circle formation and Old Guy + Bookstore Employee told them about the books we read. I didn't say anything, but I really feel uncomfortable around kids because I can't shake the feeling that I'm a negative example of what an adult can be and I don't want to disappoint them, especially if they're secretly suicidal like I was at 14. For that reason, I kind of hope they don't come to book club, but that's a little nonsensical if we're supposed to build multigenerational coalitions. This is also just a core anxiety I have with talking to anyone who is younger than me.
Book discussion was okay. We had a lot of new people this time. I contributed once and wanted to say one other thing but didn't work up the courage to do so. eh. Without Teacher Lady to help Bookstore Employee, Old Guy talked a little too much, but it was fine. This book isn't exactly one for a lot of in-depth discussion though besides "wow, I didn't know XYZ." Regardless, I'm happy to have read this book.
After club, I bothered Multiple Names Guy again about adopting the 4th cat in my household. I showed off the video of the tricks the cat can do to him and the others around, and they all agreed that he should adopt this cat. Multiple Names Guy confirmed he is visiting on Saturday to see him.
Also, Multiple Names Guy totally used the wrong pronouns for me so now I can tell he doesn't actually see me as nonbinary and that he is (with 95% confidence) a cishet dude. I already long suspected this, but what are the multiple names for?? I'm going to bother to ask him on Saturday. My current bets are that it's just a paranoid privacy thing since he seems like that type of nerd.
Anyway, after all of that easy level chatter (pets are always like this), I went home.
Next time I should maybe try talking to one of the people I saw at Bookstore Employee's birthday party since I feel a bit bad that he and his partner seem to not know who to talk to afterwards. The only problem is that he's like 23 or something, which is also too young for my anxiety. But eh.
Is it more or less reassuring as a young person to talk to an adult who has failed at capitalism when they're definitely "supposed" to be past their economic fumbling age? Or is it just reason to think way less of them for being privileged enough to have lived so long based on the good graces of their family instead of going to work while crying every single day or just dying on the street?
The problem is that I know the most compassionate answer is to not judge, but I also do not trust anyone I don't know deeply to be compassionate, and I also know that there are limits to compassion in the friends I have also, that shows up every time they make a judgment about someone else's body.
And I also know that as a 14~25 year old, I wouldn't really have respected someone like me either. Which is also why I wanted to die.
I'm living long past the end of the story, having never reached the finish line everyone else who is able-bodied seems to have reached. And I don't know if that is helpful to anyone, or if it's just something with no purpose at all, just a forgettable fact.