Book Club Log #3
Showed up for the book club even though I didn't want to go because I already saw (and failed to talk to) multiple of these peeps on Saturday + I'm stressed lately.
Went. The discussion about the book was good and ran long. Managed to offer my opinion a few times. Easier when group size was like 6 or something but then it ended up at 12 because people kept coming late. My therapist says that the 6-8 range is when the human brain tips over into thinking, oh this is public speaking now, so it makes sense that I just kind of shut up after a while.
Someone new dropped by who had literally only heard about the club today and was invited by one of the regulars (had met up with her for the first time in 10 years). So naturally they did not read the book, yet they still managed to say a lot of interesting things. People who are social butterflies really astound me.
Some queer people in the club were talking about how the bookstore is hosting a queer get together of all ages next week Thursday. I don't know if I'm going to show up. If I showed up I would probably fail at talking to more people. TBH I don't even like, need? friends? I just am practicing at this point because I think having connections makes more sense if you ever want to do social justice-oriented activities in the future. Which is a main part of my guilt complex or whatever so I'm trying to set myself up to adjust to knowing people in person. So if I go to this event what would I even be doing. My only really answer is to get a general sense of who people are and what their identities are if possible just out of curiosity. Buuuut some adult peeps are like the clubbing / bar variety and I am absolutely not that. I'm draw-at-home secret anime fan who also hates anime. Don't know what the term is for that.
There's probably like a queer artist network or something but one of my friends from Los Angeles last time I met up with him was lamenting about how messy the people are down there that fit those descriptions and apparently the polycule drama is insane and all the artists know each other which leads to all sorts of infighting. He talked about literally having to talk down someone from firing a gun. Stories like that make me feel like, well, maybe it's better that I'm fundamentally a boring soul. But then I feel bad for being boring because I feel bad for boring other people. I guess that's demand sensitivity talking.
The meeting ran longer than they were planning so I didn't even bother to do the socializing. My mental energy was spent even though I bet weird double-name guy probably would have wanted to try talking to me one more time. My sister says that it's probably that he can feel that I'm also awkward which is why he thinks maybe we could be friends. But I saw him talking fine to another regular so eh. At that point the primary thought in my head was that I've had a stressful week and I really wanted to get home and draw because I'm trying to finish this piece by April 17th so I can enter it in a screen loading art contest for Latale. I did in 2011 when I was like in middle school so I wanted to do it again since for some reason I'm back here after a decade. A friend I have who also played this game with me back then & also drew for it (& who was the one who dragged me back to this game) is also drawing a piece. I would be happy to see both of our art pieces get in the game again because last time I had already stopped playing by the time that they decided to randomly use their participation art as loading screens. So my art was up there and I didn't get to see it at all, lol. (It's okay though because it was pretty ugly. Good effort for a middle schooler. High schooler? I don't remember)
But then I was like, oh I have to write this email about my book impressions as notes for my friend and also to eventually port to this blog. So I got some boba (Sun Moon Lake tea #TaiwanRepresent) and started drafting this email but then it took like over an hour to write even though I started during the commute. When I got home I updated my sister and her BF on how this book club went and then I went to finish this email. So that's done now but then I was too tired to draw so what was the point of leaving early lol.
Whatever.... Being in the book club is still hard for me. My heart was pounding so fast in the beginning. At one moment when I said something out loud to the like group of 12 people and everyone laughed (because it was extremely blunt, "That's real." before I gathered the rest of my thoughts) I literally like dissociated so hard I forgot where the hell I was for a second. The sensation of people around me laughing at something I said was just so mind jolting that my consciousness just flew out like if you were shooting a scene and then the moment everyone started laughing you messed with the camera focus so that everything became an utter blur before recalibrating it. Good thing I actually finished my thought I guess. Autopilot ftw (?)
Part of me already wants to give up on the socializing piece. I already tried to sit next to someone new today (the person that works at the bookstore) and brought my fountain pen to comment about it since they're always using a green one. Which I have now learned is a TWSBI. Of which I have two. But of which one of my friends who is up to date on the fountain pen drama would say is of a bad company so #lol #TaiwanFail. I forgot what they did I think it was plagiarism and then pretending it wasn't plagiarism. Anyway I didn't even get to talk more to this person because the social butterfly graced our meeting (I mean this half as a joke and half as not because what they had to say was genuinely interesting and I hope they come again) and they realized they all went to the same high school together and then they started talking about setting up a gay bar or something (??) so anyway
I'm a fish outta water guys I'm literally like this the whole time
