Book Club Log #6
This month's book was Disability Intimacy, edited by Alice Wong. I've read Disability Visibility before, and this was in a similar vein as that, where there's just a ton of essays, most of which read like blog posts. So some of the essays were more interesting to me personally than others.
I arrived early this time, figuring I didn't really care who I sat next to but maybe I could sit next to Chill Lady since we've been exchanging Animal Crossing New Horizons things. The only other person there was Old Guy, who as usual talked about random things and then asked me what was going on in my life. I said I didn't really know what to answer this question because I'm really bad about talking about myself. He said he thinks of it more of like picking what you want to be publicly available and setting where you want to go with that. I still didn't really give him an answer though, mostly just sat with thinking about how I really let other people determine the flow of conversation as a passive person. I guess both my parents have taught me this, and the random things I'm into I don't expect anyone else to be interested in, so what's the point? Guess that's what happens when you work primarily on trying to avoid rejection. He also she/her'd me but I didn't correct him. I'm very bad at correcting people.
Chill Lady arrived next, but instead of sitting next to me, she sat one seat away. So I figured maybe she's also doing a thing where she tries to talk to new people every time. So maybe I shouldn't purposefully sit next to her in general since we've chatted a few times already. I keep thinking I want to ask if she's on Storygraph or something, but I forget.
Some guy that looked like he was either drunk or high as hell also came in and introduced himself and said he doesn't drink. Don't know if he mistook our book club for being some kind of sobriety thing, but he was genuinely out of it and it was confusing since we'd never seen this guy before. Even Bookstore Employee seemed kind of off-put, but we just went through the book club like normal and it wasn't much of a problem. Though, at some point he picked up books and brought them somewhere -- don't know if he paid for that or anything.
Purple Corn Lady sat next to me, which I was initially happy about because I'd been meaning to talk to her after I asked her about her corn that one time, and I wanted to find out about what romance media she's into since she said she primarily reads that, but that conversation didn't end up happening. She apparently didn't read the book this month, which left me feeling awkward because I'm bad at just talking to people without an established topic. I don't know if I wasn't welcoming enough or something, but once book club ended she immediately stood up and went to talk to Multiple Names Guy before I even could try to strike up a conversation with her about romance fiction. So I guess that's also probably another wash in connecting because I keep dropping the social ball.
During the actual discussion part, I contributed like one thing and then kind of checked out and started doodling / drawing. I just didn't know how much to talk about myself and what disability means to me, especially when it's probably a term that applies to me, or many thoughts on it in general. It seems like other people in the club also identify with disability, though. Bookstore Employee said they have ADHD and Depression, for instance. So I guess this group is probably not going to judge me for being bad at the job thing and for being disabled mentally in terms of social anxiety+PD, but in the end my social anxiety tends to win out. I guess if it didn't, I wouldn't be socially anxious, now, would I.
There was someone with the same first name as me that used "any pronouns", and I wanted to ask them about which they preferred if so, or what's been the most unique pronouns someone has used for them, but they had brought someone else who was chilling out in the corner and then I felt awkward and mostly just asked them about why they checked out this book club. They said they were checking out all the book clubs around. People really are social! Chill Lady also mentioned that she's in another book club that reads Speculative Fiction. Apparently that one's been going for 20 years. One book club is enough for me, though. Anyway, don't know if I'm going to see this person again, so I guess that's that. I'm very bad at going up to people and striking a conversation about shared characteristics, even when I want to. I just go with the flow basically and miss my chance all the time.
So anyway, they left and I ended up talking to Chill Lady after all, who, the more I talk to the more I feel like is not that Chill after all, but I'm bad at coming up with names so IDK what else I'd call her. We talked a bit about Animal Crossing and the like and then eventually merged a bit with a slightly larger group that included Camo Pants and Rainbow almost-furry. I've been wanting to talk more with these two as well, but I'm not quite sure about what. So anyway, didn't say much.
I may try to make it to the board games meeting this Sunday, but it's early in the morning for me and one of my cousins wants to get brunch on a day on the weekend, unclear which. So we'll see. I'm nervous about competitive games, though, so I can't say I'm like excited. At this point it's more like mild FOMO and also I feel like I owe it to Multiple Names Guy for bothering to organize this and bringing it up to people quite often.
There's also a queer meetup at the bookstore later in August but I forgot to write down the day so maybe I won't end up there either. Social stuff is so hard.
I bought boba while waiting for the train.