Book Thoughts: Somebody's Daughter by Ashley Ford
After I read a book, I generally email my thoughts or notes to a friend. I'm now copying these first emails to this blog since it's easier to revisit.
Original Sent Date: December 8, 2024
This is a memoir of a woman's relationship with her mom and dad and ultimately herself as she grows up. The author is African-American and identifies as queer though the queer part isn't really a focus. Listened through audiobook, where she narrates the memoir.
This is the interview that made me decide to read this book.
Some thoughts:
Though Ford doesn't use this language and probably wouldn't, from the outside looking in her mom comes across as abusive in the past when she was growing up. But I guess that's not a condemnation considering her whole message is against the polarization of people into good and bad, given the whole situation with her father.
This book really made me think about how ultimately the things that keep us safe are not endless vigilance but the ability to trust that someone will believe you when you say something is wrong. It really struck me how her mother went on and on about not trusting men and not getting victimized and in the end that just made it impossible for her to tell her mother about her rape when it happened, and what made her vulnerable to rape and made her decide to walk into that shed was ultimately the lack of love and support from her family that eroded her boundaries so far that she wanted to latch onto any signs of love even if she didn't actually enjoy said "love".
The whole thing with her dad having committed the one crime she didn't want him to (having raped 2 other women) and yet loving him anyway while not forgiving him for said thing because it isn't her place really did make me realize that everyone, even the worst of people, do need and should have people that love them regardless. That and again, prison is inhumane and traumatizing without fixing anything. This is something we both already know, but similar to that comment that talked about how Chain Gang All Stars really made them realize that even rapists shouldn't just be locked up like that, it is something else when it hits in the emotional part besides just the cognitive.
I cried at her reunion with her dad. Especially when he told her to write her truth. I cried at the fact that she was able to receive unconditional love from this guy, which is also something that I felt like I had from my dad for like 3 months or so. Granted, it was probably easier to achieve in her situation since she barely ever saw him and thus could idealize him more. It hurt to read that. I was really happy for her and really upset that she couldn't have her dad in her life when he was willing to stand behind her, and I was also really sad that I thought I had such a thing and it was an illusion.
I mean, my dad still loves me and will always love me but he will never see me, and I almost feel like she has a better chance with her dad than I do mine. The fact that I told my dad everything I was struggling with and he told me that he didn't have expectations for me only to reveal that he totally does and that the idea of me living on his money indefinitely is very worrisome (but in a way that feels somewhat judgmental rather than the pure concern about whether there would be enough) is just. I don't know why I hoped for anything and at the same time I feel kind of stupid for this because for all I know her dad could also have the same sort of opinion and many people love their parents and feel supported by parents that tell them that they "have to get a job" and stuff like that. I guess just for me it felt like I tried really hard to say that I might never be capable of doing so and all I got in return was that my shortcomings are unacceptable and I have to push myself after all.
I keep telling myself I need to stop caring about what my dad thinks of me and I know he loves "me," I just can't get it out of my head that it's a false image of me and that everyone else is doing great at operating in capitalism and will expect the same for me and I'm just the only failure around when I say I can't do something due to social anxiety. I signed up for an online course for scoping which I may have mentioned at some point now and will spend next year studying, mostly to buy time to flail around for 3 more years or something like that. But it really feels like my life is a waste. And this has nothing at all to do with this book anymore.Her relationship with her first boyfriend who turned out to be gay and the whole situation where they wanted to love each other but didn't know how to in a way that didn't necessitate a romantic script really just goes to show that we need more non-romance platonic ride-or-die between people of different genders.
I think that's all I can think of for now.