even when i try to be good for other people i'm still useless
Sun, March 9, 2025 - 00:38
Tried doing everything right but I can't fall asleep. Accidentally thought about the last friend breakup I had which involved the other person getting fed up with me because they felt like I only got more pedantic and conniving over the years and never talked about my true emotions anymore. I was so frustrated that my attempts to be kind to them and listen to their feelings and respond in depth were just seen as being non-genuine. They said they felt like I was overly concerned about saying the right thing.
How can I not be concerned when friends break down in front of me and get upset when I don't say the right things and don't anticipate everything that could possibly hurt their self-image? Having friends who are even more rejection-sensitive than I am as the norm makes it basically impossible to just say how I feel.
Another friend once blew up at me because I tried to fish for reassurance that someone didn't hate me. I was only half-cognizant that that what was what I was doing but they didn't appreciate any insinuations of vent-dumping that involved anyone they knew. I didn't even say the other person was bad or anything. But the response I got for even hinting at my insecurities was so angry that I apologized and tried to clean up my mess. I said I was wrong for trying to vent without warning. I said I wouldn't talk to them about other people they knew anymore. I promised myself then that I would never vent to them.
I'm aware that I still hurt people by being myself. Specifically whenever I display any negative emotion I hurt someone. Sometimes I get frustrated about projects and the like and this is the hardest thing for me to keep to myself. I've become quite good otherwise at holding my feelings about other people to myself, or so I'd like to believe, anyway.
I feel like it's morally correct for me to hold back. I feel like people like me better and I can run a group (even if I don't want to) because I lie to people for their own benefit. Interactions with my sister got easier when I got better at holding things in and also lying by following her flow. Sometimes I still mess up and get too passionate but a big breach hasn't happened in a long while.
How can someone tell me that they like me less for something I do to make other people feel better? How can they tell me they hate me for what I've become, when this was the only way to be to make most other people feel better? I don't like being like this, either. I want to say what I feel and call things shit when I mean it and exaggerate sometimes. I want to be able to stick to my guns. But I can't. It hurts more to hurt other people than it does to hurt myself.
I'm trying so hard, so why do you think of me worse for it? Why, when everyone else likes me better, do you not?
I don't think this friend understood that to be as I was before would be to choose to alienate almost every other friend I have. That it would mean fighting with my sister. That's what I would have to do to be acceptable to them, because I can't be acceptable to them and also everyone else.
Of course, it wasn't their business to know that. They don't know my friends. They would probably not have good interactions with them if they did. They only knew me from our infrequent interactions and how I tried to take care of their feelings and preempt blame is what they knew of me. And ironically, that very thing is what they blamed me for.
I want to scream that I'm already trying to give people everything, and to beg someone to praise me for it. Even when I can't stand people I play along and take care of their feelings even when I'm rolling my eyes and hoping they never talk to me again. And yet, apparently even this is wrong. The only thing I can be is wrong.
I'm probably giving myself too much credit. I'm running now from people where I can because I can't take their emotions anymore. I hate even having to type a single line to anyone anymore.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired of not being good enough. I'm tired of not having anyone to take care of my emotions. As if that's any responsibility someone should have. And yet people keep giving me theirs. I have one friend I can vent to about anything and they don't even have free time and also it's not like they know what to say to make me feel better.
I do actually think that when I get analytical about it I can usually devise the "right" thing to say to someone. But I have to run simulations and also figure out how much faking I feel up to doing. Sometimes the faking requires a lot against my truth. Telling people I love them is one such thing. I don't love anyone, really. I did for like 2 weeks back in June and then my dad ruined that for me. I say things I don't feel because it makes people feel better. I promise that I'll always be here but the truth is that I'm only here because of duty. I have nowhere to go, and even if I did it's against my principles to leave someone who I can help.
Sometimes I wish someone would do that for me, but then I would be upset if I found out it wasn't genuine, just like how i'm not genuine.