Going around in circles. Again.
Turns out the extremely stupid basic idea of just uploading the files into an email draft makes everything fast enough and allowed multiple files to be selected. okay.
I don't know what to do. I slept so bad last night because I read comics too late at night because I got myself into another productivity spiral and didn't want to face the next day. And of course that just set me up for more failure. I don't know what to do.
Nothing is ever going fast enough. All I ever am is wrong, wrong, wrong. I never have accomplished anything in my stupid fucking life and my project partner can't even access bearblog from work anymore so what's the point. I have nothing to show for my whole life and it makes me want to scream. I don't know how to be at peace with being a failure I feel like someone should just gut me and put me out of my misery already.
Maybe if my dad was dead this would be easier. I don't know. I don't know why I have an attack dog inside of me that loves my dad so much it would rather bite me and get me to point scissors at myself. Only scissors and not a knife because I've never been able to commit to anything, including actually causing myself proper pain. (Even reading that is pretty pathetic. lol.)
Something is wrong. I don't want to love my dad anymore, I don't want to be disappointed by him anymore. I say I don't care and I don't care most days. But why is it that it doesn't ever stop, and why can't I ever be enough? I can't help but think it would be much preferable if I was just dealing with Normal People Burnout by dying at a job that actually pays enough money for 40+ hours a week. I don't know. People are always miserable no matter where they are. I just wonder if people who have actually done the employment thing ever feel like a failure. And if so, for what? What more is there to life besides working until you die anyway.
My studying is going too slow, my art is going too slow, my reading is going too slow. And I'm not supposed to work myself up about it because I won't be able to sleep and then I'll give myself a killer migraine. I just feel sick.
I can't help but thinking that the only things that matter in life are outcomes. It's been 5 years in therapy with a therapist that actually works and I can't undo this for some reason. I have such a strong internal audience that tells me I might as well die because I can't succeed in a capitalistic world. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore. Everyone is just going to leave me behind anyway and then what? Well, I did search up relatively painless ways to commit suicide but I think I'm too much of a coward so what indeed.
I don't know if I'm supposed to imagine murdering this dog or my father or something drastic like that in my head till I stop giving any fucks and fully accept that I will never be anything but a failure anyway so I get to lollygag until someone kills me for real. That seems kind of. Victim-mentality. They always say that your parents are doing the best they can. And maybe they are, maybe they did, and their best was pretty shit. What if my best is pretty shit too? What then?