"Guess I'll just die," or as the saying goes
Don't think I'm getting any sleep at this rate. Anxiety has led me to look up my health insurance changes in the future since California apparently passed something regarding this in the last few months when I wasn't paying attention, compared to when I was actually searching when the Big Bullshit Bill (aka let's just kill poor people) passed. I need to prove I'm earning $580 a month in Jan 2027 or I will lose my health insurance. Or I have to be volunteering/doing job training 80 hours a month.
I feel at a loss. I don't even know where to volunteer for that much time, and be able to prove it with a certificate at that. I'm afraid of going to job training because no one takes social anxiety seriously. I just dread the condensencion I'm bound to face when I say that interviews scare the fuck out of me. They're just going to tell me that it scares everyone but everyone does it anyway. No shit. Except the fact that not being able to sleep at all just imagining having to go to one is beyond the realm of normal. And the knowledge that I would have to interview over like 20 times to get a job, because jobs are fake and I've literally been watching someone in a group server fail to get employed despite applying for everything for about a year now, makes me contemplate self-harm. As if hurting myself on my terms would preempt how bad the shame would hurt in real-time later. Literally doesn't work that way.
I recall that I thought I might as well just die before reaching 18 if this was going to be my fate. I never managed to work up the courage to kill myself, but I guess I don't have to if the state is going to do it for me a decade later.
The only other ways I see out besides subjecting myself to the endless labyrinth of job interview torture are basically: accept losing health insurance and just hoping I don't need to go to the hospital, or double down on my scopist studying and give up everything else, including art, in hopes of getting an actually accessible fucking job for me (doesn't include interviews) before or slightly after Jan 2027 (missing a few months of healthcare isn't that bad maybe).
Knowing me, I'm going to gun for the latter. In which case, I need to seriously try to study for 4 hours at least 5 days a week (but more is better). I was doing this for like two weeks before I ran into my house needing 500 billion repairs and the fact that the human focus is only good for 3 hours a day.
If I knew this was how it was going to turn out, I would have never left my shitty light novel proofreading gig I managed to land in college (also without an interview, skill tests are the only things that have ever been kind to me). I would've never bothered with my translation group either. Hindsight is 20/20 and I always have a habit of focusing on the wrong things.
I also now wish that my sister didn't want to drag me to Japan for 2 weeks in November so that I could have that study time back.
Well. I probably won't die in the next year. But you never know. It's incredible how worthless your life can be judged if you simply lack the skill of talking to people in environments where you're being judged without bursting into tears. And if you have no ability to market yourself due to lifelong shame and a lack of belief in the capitalist system.
Anything else to say about this just feels like catastrophizing so I probably should let it be. I just feel pathetic.