I spilled my soup all over the refrigerator
I guess when I'm stressed I start doing movements bad or something. Like when my mom was visiting and I was dropping my phone every single day to the point where my sis's BF commented on it.
I aimed to put the container in the top drawer but didn't raise it high enough and it hit the edge and then slipped out of my hand and got all over half the fridge. Had to clean it out in tears with some help. but good riddance.
don't feel like I'm good for anything. kind of want to die again but it sounds pathetic to write 'cause like what else is new...
and all of this just because I have to try to do some level of job application if I don't want to lose my health insurance in like 5 months.
I don't know. the house has termites. I'm tired and it feels like I'm being punished over and over again for being socially anxious and being too slow to figure anything out.
I wish I could have a job without having to go through an interview.
I have a friend who managed one interview but threw up before. I'm guessing that I will have a better stomach than that but instead every time I mess up it'll haunt me for the rest of my life just like every other mistake I've made.
I don't get how people believe that their lives are worth anything. or more accurately I just don't get how people who are disabled believe that when the whole world runs on eugenics-tier logic. I know abled people get to believe that because they made the rules and they don't even question them for a second. Reading Disability Intimacy right now and it still doesn't click for myself, at least. I think it's good that these writers believe in their inherent worth. If we all did and if we all cared about people the world would be better, after all. I just don't know if I can ever believe it about myself. Not that I know whether I count as disabled anyway. I could just be another ableist freak out there that doesn't get it.
I just really think my mom shouldn't have given birth to me. I think that was a huge mistake on her part and now I have to suffer through it.