Is __ too much to ask for?
Wanted to tweet something along the lines of, "All I've ever wanted in life is to be able to live near my project partner and draw comics, is that too much to ask?" but, before I even could finish formulating this thought in my head, I remembered that most things in life are actually luck-based and it has nothing to do with whether it's too much to ask for or not.
There are some things you can do, and some things that are completely out of your hands — stuff like government policies and abusive family members. These are things that you might not be in the position to choose, and yet these things have disproportionate power over you. Some people will be out there fighting for policies to change, but whether or not that works depends on a variety of factors, and again, some of those factors are out of their control. There is no guaranteed path to victory, ever.
So, is it too much to ask for? I guess the real question I'm asking is, "How badly rigged are the chances against me for what I want, and am I just an idiot for trusting in the roll of the dice?" and there is no answer to this either, because sometimes you are that bitch who hits the <1% chance for a surgery complication. And of course, it feels like you can never hit that <1% chance when it counts.
Provided that everything works out, I wish I could just fast-forward 5 years into the future and be living the life I actually want. But of course, there is no guarantee for this, and it's just as likely that in 5 years I will be doing the same thing as I am now, or doing even worse. And if that's not the life I want to live, what am I supposed to do? It's tempting to ask if that's even worth living at that point or if I should just make plans to exit entirely, but I also know that I'd never go through with them.
I guess for some people life is just about continually disappointing yourself over and over until you learn to make peace with where you are, exactly as you are. If that's where I'm going, I want to skip to the "end" there also, but life isn't actually a neat narrative and there is no "end"; there is "a phase that lasts until it doesn't," and then there's all the mortal worries about losing bodily functions that everyone gets to enjoy if they actually live long enough.
I wish I had the data now. I want to know what happens, but fate isn't real and there is no point in time that exists but exactly now. There's so much I wish I could've done differently in the past, but that time also doesn't exist anymore, and reliving your past is just a pathway to mental breakdowns (and I do that all the time already).
All I can do — or perhaps more accurately put, all I am willing to do — right now is to position myself for the life I wish I had, even though there's a very real chance that all of that will be wiped and amount to basically nothing. And then what?
And then what, anyway, when the planet ceases to exist?
Nothing can ever be built to last, and yet we mourn deaths that come sooner than we wanted. Even though in the "end" (according to human perception) it will all become nothing anyway.