Muddling for freedom from being the wrong fit
As I get older, I become more aware of how important the ability to freely choose your relations under no external pressure of interaction (such as material reliance) is.
I'm also coming to terms with the fact that someone can help you out when you really need it, and they can still not be enough for you or contribute to an environment where you feel limited in other ways. And no amount of "I should be grateful" can wash away resentment from the inability to choose.
Granted, there are choices I could make, such as move out right now, but it would be such a needless money sink when I don't have income that it's kind of laughable.
So much of my resentment towards not being able to express myself and my thoughts that I find interesting to my sister or her partner actually wouldn't have to exist if I just didn't interact with them as much and only stuck to safe topics.
There is something that I feel is my "authenticity" that they can't receive without feeling like I'm attacking them. There is so much I want to define in relationships so that I know exactly what to expect, and both of them lack the capacity to even seriously contend with what I am asking for. They're mostly confused by why I want to define things and by the measures I want to use.
It's just two worldviews and I don't think we're actually compatible. I don't want to live somewhere where I feel like I have to censor myself all the time. I want to live somewhere where I feel like my clarifications and pushback (and the clarifications and pushback I receive in turn) are actively useful to all parties and that I am engaged in a process of becoming a better person with others.
I do not feel that I am here. I feel like I am cared for generously materially, but the things that matter most to my integrity as a person are not being fulfilled. And I think that , simultaneously, I am being read as condescending & that I actually do feel like I am better in some cases for having done more thinking and reading on select topics.
Is it condescending to want someone who keeps hitting their head against the wall while saying, "I know why I do this but I just can't stop," to troubleshoot why? Apparently so. Having any hope of influencing any person's change in any direction is, to some degree, an act of ego.
I wanted to stop having an ego for a long time, but I failed. I couldn't erase the part of myself that is proud for engaging in analysis that most people find stifling or pedantic. So if I cannot be someone else, someone truly accepting and egoless, then the only other solution is to stop interacting when it comes to head.
I am the wrong person for my sister and her partner, and they are the wrong people for me. The fact that I am the only one who sees this (also as the person who has the least amount of power in this household) does not make it any less true. And it is okay, also. They don't need me, while I only need them materially. If I solve the material piece, it all breaks open. And it should.
I can write about how frustrating it is to not feel like my concerns are taken as seriously or on an important timeline as either of theirs, but they can probably also express how frustrating it is to have to deal with someone who is ever ungrateful to them when they do all the work that matters. This is the trap of family with years of baggage, and I want to set it down.
If I am the wrong person for them, as I was for multiple ex-friends, then I should come up with a plan to extricate myself from the situation. When I think about it, we would be fine talking once every few months, or less. I think I actually would be more accepting if I didn't feel like this problem of power was constantly hanging over my head and I could say no without even thinking about it twice.
It's easier not to have expectations, or to readjust them without much complaint, when there is distance. It is easier not to have to talk about things you care about that others find dreadfully boring when they are not who you spend most of your time talking to. It is easier to let others set the conversation flow and only input occasionally when it seems relevant when you do not have to allow them much influence on your self-image at all.
I just want it to be easier to be me.
In the present, stuck as I am until I can figure out a paycheck, I am back to the masking drawing board, but also with the understanding now that what we've been negotiating isn't about content of ideas and facts but fundamentally about power and belonging. And there are indeed things I can improve on even when I want to whinge on about how resentful I feel or whatever. Distraction from the point.
Actionable items that are good relationship skills to learn anyway:
- Do not correct nonreceptive people on their language. This is taken as a bid for power.
- Any corrections should be done removed from any immediate conversation days or weeks into the future and be acted with a sense of curiosity about how you just learned some "new" fact that was relevant to what you were discussing before. If you cannot fake this, don't even bother. In my case, definitely do not even bother with my sister or her partner because they already dislike hearing anything about my nonfiction readings that wasn't explicitly asked for.
- Ask if people know a concept or a thing before explaining it, because otherwise it can be read as a bid for power. I didn't really ask before because I was afraid to make people admit that they didn't know something in case it might make them feel insecure, but this created other problems. Affecting a friendly air for this question is crucial. Next, ask if they actually want to hear about what it is. My sister almost always says "no" to me on the occasions I have asked, no matter how excited I am, and this should be taken as the default. (The fact that I am expected to listen to her interests instead has always been a point of resentment for me, but this is also born of power dynamics. For I fear that if I say no, then there won't be "safe" topics to reinforce the social harmony of the household. This is easily cured by having the option to leave!)
- Work on reminding myself that I cannot change anyone, ever. And I should not expect myself to be a teacher. When I say things, 99% it will not change anyone's mind because every person is an ecosystem with a billion other inputs and processing methods. When I express opinions, it is for me, not them, and nearly always they are the wrong person for my complicating opinions. Stick to single sentence disagreements as passing comments at most.
- There are some times when you may want to disagree in a more direct manner, but how to do so in a way that reassures the other speaker of what they're actually asking for (alliance, belonging) is kind of beyond me rn. Not skilled enough for this. Also don't know if I'm skilled enough to figure out how to provide a checking mechanism for if someone says something very offensive in public. At that point the non-content question is one about power & alliance. Sometimes it's worth it to toast both of these things for the protection of a third party or someone else in the vicinity. I don't know how to make this call, but if I do it, I should be aware of the severing action I'm taking and accept it for what it is.
- Real change apparently happens by a mutual process of deep listening, but that literally takes everyone being willing. As long as I don't want to be changed by them, I should have no expectation that I can change them either. Only people who have accrued power can influence others to adopt their views without having to change themselves, and being in a position of power does not interest me.
I do think I'm right (or being closer to being right) more than other people who don't do the reading. But that's not an attitude that others will be receptive to, nor is it a belief that I necessarily think is a great thing; it's a tradeoff because the opposite is being constantly insecure and looking to social groups to reinforce beliefs that are less based on reason. Naturally, most people are in the middle but I tend towards the former. It just means that I have to find my people, and when I talk to everyone else it will have to be an intentional effort to suspend belief and to come in with no expectations.
Expectations are such a struggle. When yours aren't met, it's a sign that the environment is wrong and something should be changed. But having them at all is a mental exertion of control, sometimes over people who do not want anything to do with it. But most of us won't be able to live without expectations from the people we talk with, so the choice is often to obtain freedom through distance or to adjust rapidly to keep up with the reality of the other.