Ratio of Studying to Art
I'm currently doing like 1/2 hours of art as I am studying. I don't know how to feel about this or what the correct balance is. So very hard to figure out what I value right now. I kind of want to get it 1:1, but I feel like this is impossible as long as my sleep schedule is fucked (which is probably forever) and if I ever want to do anything else in the evenings.
For that matter, it seems that I am happiest when I'm only doing 20 hours of things in a week. With me trying to study 15 hours a week, this would naturally only leave 5 hours for art, which doesn't make much sense. 10 hours for each also doesn't quite make sense if I want to actually progress a good amount on studying. Pushing it to 30 is actually quite hard and I get tired.
I guess the problem is that art isn't simply something that rejuvenates me like it is with some people. Like it's somewhat fun but it's a slog in its own way a lot of the times too, which is why I feel like I have to "work up the energy" to draw and why it is often the first thing to go when I am depressed, even though it plays one of the most important parts in my long-term happiness.
The average office worker, to not burn out at any rate, can only do 3~4 hours of work in a day on average. For a 8 hour day, at least half of it is wasted on energy conservation. I guess this means that the ideal situation for me would be 2 hours studying and 2 hours art, which would then give me the 20 hours I desire. However, I don't feel comfortable giving up my last hour of studying right now; it's that extra 45 minutes to 1 hour that is making me feel like I'm actually achieving my studying goals. And my studying right now is specifically warding off my self-hatred and anxiety about the future, as ableist as that is. But without the 1:1 ratio, I don't feel like I'm taking enough care of my art dreams either lol.
And on top of that, my volunteering is about to ramp up again because it's an election year, which means that those extra hours in the evening that I'm currently giving to art are going to get eaten.
Literally cannot win. Alas. Imagine if we actually lived in a world that cared about people instead of leaving them stranded and just making up reasons for why "lazy" people deserve to die.
I guess now that I've laid this all out again with the data I probably won't change anything. At least everything I'm doing now is for myself. I remember the times that I aimed for legitimately 40 hours of working on things a week (even though none of them were paid) and how miserable I was. That was definitely my top OCPD moment though with all of the logs, which is a pretty funny story this far in the future. Tomorrow I'll sit on an OCPD support group meeting. It's too bad that I can only make it to these once a month due to book club, but what can I do. The topic seems to be about OCPD and OCD, which doesn't seem useful to me on the surface considering that I have almost no OCD traits, but maybe I'll learn a thing or two.
I kind of wish an AVPD support group existed, but that's an oxymoron because none of us would show up.