The feeling of wanting someone to tell me I'm doing okay
— or good (← longshot) — keeps hitting me recently and I don't know what to do about it.
My therapist was like, it looks like you want a mentor relationship. You've been mentioning you want more connection for the past six months. and like. uhhh. and then of course they were suggesting that I try to go to an event or something and I just started crying from fear preemptively because lol
I want what I want but I don't think what I want is really possible to find and I'm not ready to be authentic and then rejected. all of my relationships besides 1 (who ironically is least available time-wise) are built on me doing my best to accommodate the other people and not being true about everything I'm feeling. because people literally like me better that way.
I wish I didn't want someone to tell me that I'm doing fine. This thought keeps taking up my brain after I finish working on literally anything and there's nowhere to put it or ask it from and that's that. It just hurts and it's driving me up the wall. Why can't I just be normal and not need things from people. Why can't someone who makes me feel safe fall from the sky and save me from myself (cringe).
I also keep having nightmares lately, don't know if I'm overheating or what. But when I get into bed it's so cold so I naturally pile on multiple covers and I can't fall asleep until I warm up to begin with.
Nightmare list:
- Dad trying to marry me and me wondering if I could pretend he has dementia so other people don't question why he is seriously trying to marry his own kid. Not being able to say no properly. This variety of dream hasn't plagued me in months or years so I'm surprised it showed back up. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I feel like I'm failing his expectations again ever since his visit in August and my brain just computes that to romance / sex due to the whole emotional incest thing. You would think that brains could keep things straight and just make it about employment and dreams, which is the context anyway.
- There was definitely some other stuff with my mom that struck me as weird because it wasn't the usual contexts either but the strain of stress with her when she tries to get me to do anything is the same so I guess I didn't bother to remember the details after the day(s) passed.
- Last night I dreamed that my project partner said that they were no longer interested in our series and that was devastating. The worst one out of these to be honest. I had to think about why they were suddenly not interested and if our friendship was over on top of thinking of the logistics of finding someone to replace them. They do have a high chance of disappearing on me so I'm always trying to emotionally prepare for having to replace them someday but that's due to their own life situation of trying to survive an abusive family and med school. I really expect that they will just die one day and I'll find out because they put my name on their insurance beneficiary and then I'll somehow have to go to court with their abusive, racist dad when I know nothing about law right now. But nowhere in this do I expect it to be because they lost interest in me as a project partner so that really. Well. Being thrown away by the only person on earth who accepts me for who I really am I guess is scarier. It seems more in the realm of possibility than my dad actually trying to marry me, even if it's very low.
I told my therapist that low percentages don't mean anything to me anymore after I hit the <1% complication rate in my surgery in January. Everything that is bad can and may happen.
Wonder what nightmare I'll have tonight!