The people I've helped aren't the ones I expected
Coming to the realization that the people I've tried my hardest to help over the years and put the most emotional effort into are actually the ones who benefited from my existence the least in comparison to other people I've somehow managed to help without even realizing it or who benefited from the stuff I was doing as a complete side thing, who I wasn't even considering at all.
I wouldn't say I had a savior complex exactly, but I did want to be there for people through the process of getting "better." I never wanted to be or imagined I'd be the only person that could help them, but I thought I'd act as an additional emotional support that could get them over the threshold. I think my mistake was ever setting this "better" bar for them without their input. I am finally coming around to the fact that I cannot set out to help anyone in this world; they have to choose to help themselves. The role I always so desperately wanted to play to prove to myself that I had some reason for being in this world didn't exist in the way that I envisioned. It existed by me doing things that involved other people in a mutual effort and those people learning from me, which in reality is at least half of their own work.
We can go on and on about the cause and effect of trauma and how it impacts people's day-to-day lives and their abilities to process what and what for survival and how it stacks the cards against them, but it doesn't change that at the end of the day the desire for change has to come from within. Even if I could give someone all the material things that I thought they would need to make their life better, they could in fact still be miserable if they never identify the maladaptive patterns they've built up in the meantime. And so. It's literally not on me. Of course, everyone should have basic necessities. Politically speaking, that is what I still believe in. But it doesn't have to come from me. It should be a project that we undertake as a community.
I've decided to change. I've been making small decisions like this year by year, but now with this knowledge it's time for another big shift. I can't chart people's paths for them, even if it was as vague as "teach them better mental coping skills in the next 5 years." It was wrong. I need to wash my hands of any imagined responsibility I gave myself. They didn't ask for it, and well, even if people asked me for this now, I would say no. I can't tell people what to do. Laziness Does Not Exist was completely right. I have to redirect all responsibility to the people in question instead of thinking they will ever take my advice. It's honestly not my problem anymore, or more accurately to say, it should've never been my problem from the start.
I need to learn to choose what I want to do for myself now. I need to learn how to live without resentment, and I need to learn how to live without masking as much as I do. It ultimately didn't get me the results I wanted and just made me more out of touch with myself and my own needs, so evidently the technique was bad. I'm going to slowly slide myself back into being blunter again. I need to care less and let people make their decisions about whether they want to interact with me without trying to make it entirely pain-free for them. If the only thing in the world I can control is myself, then I need to put myself on the path I think will make me happy for the majority of my remaining life. I need forgiveness and trust and I need to be free of resentment that has trapped me for so long.
Hell, I might even consider unlearning resenting my own trash mother, just because it might give me mental freedom. I've always hated that trope in fiction, but ironically I might now be at the part of my journey where this can be a feasible thing to consider and even potentially beneficial. Funny as hell to think about. I don't think I'll manage it for another decade, but the seed of the thought is in my head now.