Rambling

Thought Stream

Sun, Oct 5, 2025 - 20:25

Feeling really tired of being sad all the time I'm not distracted. It just feels like I've spent my whole life wrong. I gotta hold out until therapy until Wednesday but I'm just going through the whole efficiency mourning again which indicates I'm on another OCPD spiral. But I feel like this is all entirely justified now that there's an actual deadline that I need to catch up to. I keep thinking that if I had just given up on things earlier I would've been safer now. And safer than where I will be one year in the future.

It's hard to not immediately spiral into "okay, wow, my life really is worthless after all I should kill myself." I want to so bad because that feels familiar. But it's not useful at all (especially given that I'm never going to actually go through with it). But I can't stop feeling bad either.

There's no need to kill myself before the government does. They probably won't because I technically have family, etc., I just feel like I have nothing because my negative emotions also feel like such a burden. Like every relationship is running on a clock and once it hits the end there's no getting any help from that person anymore, anyway. So why bother.

I need to separate out the parts of me that are feeling bad and observe them and do the whole mindfulness thing. I fucking suck at it but there's really nothing else to do besides go around in circles and not achieve much. Keep telling myself I said I wanted to be resilient. Going to take me another decade, though, at the least. If it even happens. But I can only try in the now because this moment is the only moment that truly exists. And the future is a lot of those immediate moments where you can try to choose differently. It's all so tiring. But I have to try. I have to try even though no one's coming to save me.

Sat, October 4, 2025 - 00:18

Really feeling like a weed right now. The ones that populate barren ground but are ultimately meant to die out for other plant life.

How funny. I thought that was what I wanted. I guess, though, I just haven't really been disentangling what I wanted vs what I felt obligated enough these past years. Or even when I knew, I always chose obligation. Sigh.

Someday, I'd like to be my own thriving plant. How, though? The question of space always comes up. And there are cases where making yourself obsolete is good. There is point to these weeds. But I want somewhere I feel excited and appreciated, too.

It just hurts to think about, but I know it can't happen here. I have to try somewhere new and accept the outcome, no matter what that may be.

Lots of people don't find where to exist in the end, and they live their lives anyway. I can only try the same. Nothing in the future is ever guaranteed.

Friday, October 3, 2025 - 22:42

found someone nearly immediately to replace me on the translation side 🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯 and they're better than me

man all this time.... I should've just put out a search earlier instead of kidding myself about how long I could hold on. what if I've prevented this project from being even better than I thought because I didn't leave fast enough? LOL

this is so funny. everything that I tried to do alone was just a result of me not looking hard enough because I didn't want to take a chance on people. I really should never ever do things I don't feel excited about ever again. other, better people out there do exist... they're real... 🤧🤧🤧

god I have so many thoughts and emotions about this I need to write up a round-up post when I actually leave.

Tues, September 30, 2025 - 21:25

Getting sick of how I don't feel like doing anything.

Thursday is more of contractors coming super early in the morning and messing up my whole schedule again. I'm already dreading it.

And what do I even talk about in therapy tomorrow? I just keep going between "yeah I'm fine" and "For some reason, I feel like I don't know what I'm living for, even though that's false and all of this is temporary stuff that I can get through"

Cycles of grief kicking my fucking ass I guess I should go journal. ugh

Mon, September 29, 2025 - 00:02

It's funny how my timelines keep getting shorter and shorter because bad stuff happens in my life and I'm like. all right. you know what. I actually can't mcfuckin' take this anymore. do I even really fucking care this much. Revise the timeline shorter.

Fuck, maybe I'll leave next month at this rate. Yikes, man. I really thought I had more patience in me but maybe it's just been exhausted after all of these years. I just am at my limit and I want to be, like, actually happy. I know that's a far reach but I want to just move on, already. I want to put myself in the position that makes long-term happiness more likely.

Truly, I could've held on better if not for all of this shit with the house but like. I can't anymore. I have to drop some of these balls and just let them roll away. Even the idea of just putting them down for a while and then picking them back up after this crisis is over is too exhausting to think about it. I can't. When I put them down it's over. I'm going to walk away.

Sun, September 28, 2025 - 15:16

So fucking stressed with everything that's happening with the house. I'm going to become obsessed with Princession Orchestra as a coping mechanism.

A good 40% of enjoying Princession is being wearily beaten into the ground with Precure tropes for 20 years so when you see how Princession actively defies Precure tropes you jump out of your grave and go HOLY SHIT! SOMETHING NEW! 🤯👉👉👉

like I cannot tell how I would rate Princession if I had never become (wearily) obsessed with Precure or (non-seinen) magical girls in general because it's just a Show, you know? but with this background of suffering through slop I'm basically trading away my heart in a beat

Wed, September 24, 2025 - 19:31

"Good Luck, Babe" really hits when you are emotionally compromised. Very funny that I have to be in this state of mind to truly appreciate it.

Wed, September 24, 2025 - 19:12

It's interesting to hear someone describe someone I know as having "gravity" -- AKA charisma -- and how they specifically avoid centering their relationships around people like that. I never really thought about it, but I do feel weird knowing that my project partner is someone who technically fits this (people get way too invested in them). That fact bothers me because it makes me feel like, oh god, what if I'm not any better than these other people and I'm overly invested in something that doesn't even pay out? but like what can I do.

It is true that I find people with charisma personally suspicious. Funny to think about how in all these romance comics the love interest having charisma is seen as part of their specs that make them more alluring as a partner but actually I don't like the feeling that I could be getting played in a way I don't understand. I already do think I'm gullible.

Honestly, if not for our shared creative dreams, I'm pretty sure I would've already given up on talking to my project partner out of an preemptive sense of self-preservation. Some things are too close and yet too far to trust like that. But whatever. Thank god I'm aromantic so I'm not yet one of those other people randomly confessing to them.

Wed, September 24, 2025 - 17:41

Thinking about counter/dependence and what's healthy or whatever. This Reddit post & the comments seem pretty good. It's really interesting that people mention that it's far easier to pick relationships that are healthy from the start (regardless if you feel guilty or not about having your needs met) and that tends to carry through far more than ever rehabilitating someone. Things to keep in mind for me.

Wed, September 24, 2025 - 15:04

Feel so damn tired. Don't want to do anything. Everything is just house repairs and tomorrow there will be more repairs and I have to get my ass to book club. sigh. I need to finish writing these flyers and see if I can pass them out at book club or something but I also hate that and I don't feel like I have the mental energy to imagine asking people for something like that so I don't know if I'll actually do it (death).

I just want to sleep for 5 billion years. Today I woke up saying, "I want a snail wife," because of a BL comic I was reading yesterday that has the whole Korean folktale concept. Very funny. The more and more I become aware about how being dependent on people emotionally makes you more likely to repeat bad cycles, the more I realize that stuff like romance, sex, etc, is just pure phantasms that have 59805 meanings and expectations people layer onto them that do not represent reality. Like, no wonder romance is my favorite genre. It's literally all fantasy. Everyone in the world wants a housewife but no one actually wants to be that image of a housewife once they realize how much work goes into it. All these commenters on these comics, "When will it be my turn?" — well, it's never going to be your turn. Not like that, at least. If you have a real relationship you'll have to work for it and learn to respect each other's space and realize they can't do everything for you.

But of course, I "want" a snail wife. Except I don't even like snails. It's just the pure fantasy of having all your needs fulfilled and feeling safe & loved forever. Meanwhile in the real world, people randomly die and grow up and change their minds and probably only a very select few are twisted enough to actually find all aspects of housework naturally fun. This is truly why I'll never have a relationship that can be mistaken for romance. I only want to take and I don't want to give.

I feel like I've been trying to make up for that tendency I can sense in myself by trying to give to other people and purposefully preventing myself from taking from them. But instead I forgot the very important rule that you should choose who you want to give things to, because some people can take forever and it won't be enough. I forgot other people can be like me in that regard.

I'm never going to get over the crutch of romance fiction but at least with every year I can understand more and more of why it is fiction, even though it shapes (or rather, limits) people's understandings of relationships. No one out there in the world will ever love me like I want to be loved, which is why I'll keep looking at illusions on the walls. But when I reach my hand into the image I can see its distortions and understand that distractions can only go so far as a coping mechanism. I have to learn to be resilient. And to figure out what self-compassion is, because I'm the only one who has to live in my head and making it a nightmare will just make me more vulnerable. No amount of suffering will cleanse me of guilt or shame. I have to put these things down otherwise I won't do what I actually want to do in this world.

Wed, September 24, 2025 - 13:33

The craziest part of reading the foreword of Wretched of the Earth by Homi K. Bhabha again is that it actually makes sense and is a good summary of various points in the actual text. But you can only really comprehend it if you read the text first. At which point why is it a foreword. Teaches me to ever read foreword and introductions, prefaces, etc. first ever again. That shit is always coming last now.

Sun, September 21, 2025 - 16:36

I don't believe anything you guys (my grammar book, my scoping course riddled with mistakes, and the Chicago Manual) are saying about "see whether you can put 'and' between the adjectives or try reversing them to see if they're coordinate." I think you should just refer to the chart.

"Red, shiny car" needs commas between them not because you would ever say, "They got into their red and shiny car," but because the actual correct order is "shiny red car." Condition (#11) comes before color (#14). The comma is there to indicate that you put the wrong one first. Let's be so for real.

Wed, September 17, 2025 - 17:02

Yet another wave of negativity, except it's not in my cognitive thoughts but just in my body (feeling pains in my hand and heart, wanting to cry etc.). That's the way it's just been recently. It makes me want to reach out to people so they can distract me but I think I really need to sit with this. It's hard because I already know I'm counter-dependent, but all this stuff I read about the science of venting and how it's useless if there's no reframing coming from the listener makes me think that there's really no point to reaching out to just have people keep my company in moments like this.

Like, at the end of the day, all I have is me. That has always been true and will always be true because death is ultimately something that all of us have to cross alone. I need to practice accepting that and also not being alienated from my own body like I am most of any given day. It's going to be an extremely slow process, but at least I finally deleted Pikmin Bloom so I can practice mindfulness on my walks daily and see if that increases my tolerance.

I'm going to sad, but it's tolerable. I haven't cried yet because I don't really like the sensation and I really only cry when my cognitive mind is also spiraling rather than just my body. I know I can get through this. It will be okay, I just have to ride out the waves of sadness that come in cycles.

As two separate friends have mentioned to me, grief really is something that you go in cycles of, but if you're putting in the work, each time around should land you somewhere slightly different. It's the same thing as the 2 steps forward 1 step back thing. I'll make it through the other end of the cycle.

I'm really glad to have this thoughts page where I can I write without feeding into (as much of) my need for attention. I'll probably switch to journaling again in a bit but it's not bad having an actual legible log for myself in the future, either.

I hope years from now when I look at this, I'll go, man, I'm really glad I'm nowhere near there anymore. 2024 and 2025 was me getting kicked repeatedly but I think I've learned what to rely on and what to not, and I'm actually trying to cultivate a sense of self-worth now. My dad can't give it to me, friends come and go, but I have me. I used to really hate that idea because I didn't want me at all, or only half of — if I could choose, but that's not something I can. I can't be anyone else but me. And since it's actually impossible to live life without making mistakes, I need to be able to pick myself up again when it happens.

It's funny because everything in that previous paragraph is stuff I knew cognitively, but I didn't want to accept it emotionally. I won't say this is the only way that I could've possibly learned this, but I think getting my shit kicked in emotionally really hard once again and having to confront my failures is once again stimulating my alternative methods of thinking. The art of queer failure, as some might say. I also owe a lot to the fact that I actually got off my ass and dragged myself to book club. It was hard and I had no idea how it was going to turn out, and I'm not really anything more than acquaintances with anyone in that club, but being able to exist in a public space doing something that I cared about and being accepted despite being a conversational failure finally helped get rid of some of that fear about myself being a lost cause. It turns out that sometimes you can exist somewhere imperfectly and people are completely fine with it.

There are other places I can be. I don't have to be right here with the same people, forever. I can choose how deep I want relationships to be, and if that's just to be casual forever, that's okay, too. It's not actually bad. Sometimes I can help people just by being completely casual too — a fact that still shocks me.

I need to listen to what I want. I need to remember this. I'm not going to be held down by anyone anymore, whether that's my perceived image of my dad or the random stranger on the street asking me why I don't have a job. My pace may be slow, but I'll figure it out.

And I'm not going to sit around and hold my breath and assume that someone will reward me for my efforts. If my project partner disappears tomorrow, I will be okay. I need to have faith in myself and faith in my knowledge of myself, too. I don't have to give into other people's narratives or worry that I'm going to end up secretly wanting what everyone else has.

The first time of doing anything new is scary, disorienting, sometimes even deliriously exciting. But everything will always shake out and I will find my sense of grounding. My ultimate want for myself is to be resilient. There are other, smaller wants, like wanting to be loved, wanting to be found important, wanting to be useful, etc. But these are more optional than what I want to cultivate for myself. As ACT would put it, I guess my current big value is resilience. I want to cultivate that more than I want to chase things that there is no guarantee in receiving. Granted, getting some degree of those things will make the resilience part easier, but I should never forget the work that I need to do myself, for myself.

Just me and my monsters. And an occasional blue stream of water that flows through my mind when I need to forget about all of them for a moment to ground myself. Maybe we can all hold hands and float downstream.

Tues, September 16, 2025 - 17:34

I will say though that I'm starting to lose my grip on myself and fantasizing about 4xing some random Precure season. I have to hold strong and also stop staying up till like 6AM

Tues, September 16, 2025 - 17:27

Looping back to "Empty" by Metric but getting new things from it this time. Cycling back then forwards. Fitting, though, because I realized that I really have to sit with newfound emptiness and figure out what to fill it with slowly.

When there's no way out, the only way out is to give in

(...)

Sickness was fixing me some
Coughed out my heart in the last stall
Now that the damage is done
I never miss it at all

In the past I really liked the lines "I'm so glad I'm an island" and I still think it sounds good and cathartic to sing, but it was never true then and it still isn't true for me now. Being a true island isn't possible for me, and it also isn't the way forward. But it does fit into the emotions this song is expressing, at any rate.

The "give in" lines really make me think differently now that I'm thinking about the concept of "surrender" as defined in Laziness Does Not Exist.

Sat, September 13, 2025 - 22:28

Princession 22 genuinely impressed me. I feel like this has got to be way better than whatever IdolPre is doing lmfao

  1. Actually put the bad guys together in a band playing all of their instruments (their song was repetitive but it was more than Precure does with villains). And it was built up from all the individual battles also, which was really interesting. These villains actually feel like a threat.

  2. Actually had the Princesses lose. But manage to mess up the dudes' weapons, which makes the tactical retreat on their part make sense. I like that the villains actually seem to have a cohesive goal that goes beyond just "I was ordered by our Queen" and the stuff they're doing actually genuinely comes across like they're testing / gathering info rather than just "Well, I got bored so I'm going home." The fact that they pointed out that the Princesses only won this entire time because they only ever fought one of them at a time was good. Wow, imagine having stakes.

  3. Gave the option for Minamo to actually walk away from being a Princess. This part... damn. This is never seriously considered in Precure because it's like, what are you going to do, let the town you live in just get destroyed? But no, the fact that Alicepia is specifically in another dimension makes it an actual option to literally just Log Off. The fact that the person that offered her this choice was also her best friend (who isn't a Princess but figured out Minamo's identity just by watching a video of Princess Ripple - which also was really satisfying, because I've always been annoyed that in Precure even their closest family members can't recognize them) was really good. Like in Precure they would've just turned Nacchi into a Cure and call it a day.

    The fact that Princession is against having another Princess makes the stakes that much higher because you can't just pull out a random Princess from your ass like you do in Precure all the time. It actually makes stakes, and the fact that it's their choice rather than it just being like, "Well the Heart Tree isn't going to shit out any more fairies so GG," or whatever, makes it that much more powerful. I really like that Minamo had Nacchi as her BFF from the beginning and that this relationship has been important.

    This is especially "huh!" if you know Precure tropes, which is that Cures do not have friends outside of each other that are important and often start out without any friends at all (new school or whatever). And those that are important are bound to become Cures. (The only two exceptions to this being Yui in Go! Pri, but as a result she was victimized like 4 different times lmfao, or Satoru from Wonderful, but that was only because he was gatekept from becoming a Cure as a boy and not for any good writing reason.)

  4. The fact that Minamo is a character that loves helping others, and that is a fundamental part of her dream, but her arc has consistently said that she also has to think about herself. I was super not expecting this one. In Precure, Cures that love to support others are doormats. The amount of doormat-ness is actually really annoying because they have no other traits (Cure Chocolat, Cure Coral) and make them extremely boring characters.

    Instead, Minamo literally said her dream is to support everyone so that they can do what they love, BUT everyone includes her, too. WOW! IT WAS THIS EASY THIS WHOLE TIME! Precure fucking SLEEPING on the most easy, basic shit! One of my biggest complaints in Star Twinkle Precure, despite being a great season otherwise, is this in Elena's two-parter episode where she's made to doubt what smiling means. Despite the episodes leading up to what you would hope to be a unique breakthrough, the solution for her is still "I want save people's smiles," which is the same shit she was saying from day one. I so desperately wanted to shake the writers at that moment to add one line that said, "And my smile is important too!" or something along those lines. But no, Precure is allergic to this idea for some reason.

    And well, this is a fundamental fucking lesson that you would think would be a no brainer but in my own life this has taken me forever to learn myself. For years, a friend has been telling me that reducing harm people experience also includes reducing harm against myself, which is against my "I want to help other people and be forgotten" mode of operation. I've only come to agree with this sentiment in like the last year.

    Not enough fiction talks about remembering to treat yourself right while also helping other people. We need this reminder.

Princession (besides my complaints about the gender essentialism baked into the premise + the colorism regarding the villains) has honestly been like 200% better than I was expecting.

Mon, September 8, 2025 - 14:50

The inherent disgust at being vulnerable

Tues, September 2, 2025 - 15:46

Couldn't fall asleep till 6AM again last night and I got desperate around the 4-5 AM area and looked stuff up on mindfulness on random Reddit threads.

Extremely totally awesome not-going-crazy-and-are-dying search: how can I be mindful when I hate the present

I was just doing my typical desperate search of a silver bullet or whatever, but I surprisingly someone had basically asked this exact thing. There was a comment that linked some YouTube videos. The first I clicked on was pretty useless but in the second there was this guy that said that you don't have to be mindful for 24 hours a day for the rest of your life. There's only the present moment. So you can ask yourself (paraphrasing): Is this moment really that intolerable?

Doing some thinking about this. I do know that there's like unnecessary suffering and necessary suffering and I do a lot of the former. It's because I'm worried at any given moment that I'm not doing something that would preempt suffering in my future, either by the ire of other people or by material things because I didn't get myself straightened out. Like the person who wrote that post on Reddit, I spend all of my time thinking about things to be doing, dissociating, suffering, or distracting myself via delusions or fiction or whatever.

Is this present moment really that intolerable?

Not right now, I guess. Maybe it isn't, at this very second.

Mon, September 1, 2025 - 19:03

Dumping this because I started writing this in a post that doesn't need all this nonsense:

Don't know if I've mentioned this but I actually checked out various Yuri webtoons recently and that was like a whole 'nother world from manga. Literally took a screenshot of people sobbing in the comments about how Yuri is always depressing and dramatic and they can never get together, meanwhile Yaoi is all fun and flirty. It was like looking into an alternate universe. These webtoon Yuri fans are crying into their keyboards like they've never read a boring male-oriented fanservice Class S Yuri and meanwhile as a manga-first fan, I'm like, drama and toxic relationships are a norm for you guys???

Now of course, I actually prefer neither of these. I want something in the middle. That's dramatic and has real character development and adult WLW that isn't fanservicey with the dumb onee-sama tropes, but isn't like, "WOE! Our love is doomed.... let's die together." It's actually really, really funny when I see tropes and story beats I would find in MLM stuff in webtoon WLW stuff because suddenly I become aware of how lame this all is. Stuff that's like sexual assault-y or like, "This person was so mean to me I can't stop getting hot and bothered by them," and whatnot that I put up with in MLM sometimes... Whenever girls/women are introduced it's suddenly like I grow 5 brain cells and am like... Man, am I putting up with Bullshit a lot of the time because I hate seeing women be mistreated #feminism (← no, actually, we should just treat everyone better)

Sun, August 31, 2025 - 19:11

Losing all of my hours (including sleeping hours) health anxiety spiraling about my chronic wound even though I know it probably isn't that big of a deal. Like I've already put up with it for 4 months what's another 4 months or another lifetime I don't even know man. It doesn't hurt my quality of life that much but the looming threat of it getting infected just drives me fucking nuts and my skin is stupid sensitive to everything and I have to wait on shipping times for things to appear and whatever. it's just so fucking frustrating and I hate not knowing what's happening to my body and I hate having super sensitive skin where things that are normal to other people have a chance of becoming super bad for me. ugh

Sat, August 30, 2025 - 18:56

Hard to know how much time to spend on checking translation stuff compared to trying to update our website after it got nuked on the social media platform we were on. e_e;; ... At this rate some of our stuff just might not be restored for like another year or more. ahhh, I want less to do in this group...

Sat, Aug 30, 2025 — 3:25

Can't sleep again. It's probably because I don't actually carve out time to practice mindfulness and journaling about my feelings every day but every night I hope I can go to sleep and then I lie down and start worrying about the future, and I start planning all the things I want to get done and get excited about the imagined possibility of finishing certain things. I wish I was better at sleeping. I could try to reread The Sleep Book but I also feel like it's to some degree useless since I can't do sleep restriction and I know the mindfulness / journaling is objectively what I should be doing anyway, I just don't because I don't want to waste my time doing them. It's both less anxiety-inducing and more pleasurable to me to be working on stuff or thinking about working on stuff than it is to slow down and to try to be part of the world's flow.

I wonder if I'll ever get better at this. Every morning I think I'm mostly an idiot for even worrying about stuff since bed feels so good and I'm so tired so who give a shit. And yet the cycle repeats, and knowing this fact logically does not save me from following the same cycle, even when I try to consciously stop it. The fact that sleep has to be an unconscious process and not something you can force (or stop) is honestly aggravating.

Fri, Aug 29, 2025 — 19:01

Trying to read this preface to The Wretched of the Earth written by Homi K. Bhabha is killing me. Psycho-affective this, phemenological that. Please, sir, I just want background history notes so I can actually make it to the actual text I'm here for.

Sun, Aug 24, 2025 — 11:20

Getting only 3 hours of sleep before having to meet up with someone is normal and fine actually and i will not die,

Sun, Aug 24, 2025 — 7:31

Thinking about it more, my therapist is right. I need to work on my distress tolerance for making mistakes because it's making relationships intolerable. I don't like being having relationships where the other person remembers a really egregious mistake I've made. The shame feels blinding and I resent them for not releasing me from the prison of their memory. This was much easier when my friendships generally didn't last more than 5 years. Can all my friends just stop talking to me for 5 years so I can reset? lmao.

Fri, August 22, 2025 - 18:39

I kind of hate having to be the one to pack the patches and make new versions of things. Like man why can't other people do this I literally hate technology and I have too many hats. So fucking tiring.

Wed, August 20, 2025 - 17:39

Whenever I remember mistakes I've made in Japanese I want to kill myself. Especially when I know people around me remember it. Not sure what to do about this.

Fri, August 15, 2025 - 15:03

too many thoughts today. maybe drank too much coffee.

but I'm reading "You're My Polar Opposite" which is a romcom in shounen jump (?) and it's really sweet and comes off like it was written by someone who isn't a man. definitely the best school romance I've read in a while. I'm mild monkeying about tairazuma. there's something about Taira's pathetic "overthinking and overaware of overthinking" whole thing that makes me simultaneously pity him and half-identify with him.

I'm definitely witnessing the issue of the couples that are confirmed becoming less interesting to me, though. what is it about the period right before characters get together that is the most satisfying? whatever it is, I think that's why people drag it out lol

Fri, August 15, 2025 - 14:41

I wonder if I'm going to yearn for some false idea of what being in the ivory tower would be like for the rest of my life. just because I genuinely think that I'd be good at a lot of sociology research I just can't do the people interaction which is like. fml ig

I know that being exploited by some university's advisor that doesn't even give a shit about you and working overtime for a PhD isn't actually worth it and would probably drive me insane as a slow writer but I just imagine it would be nice to talk and work on that stuff with other people who care about the material as much as you do and can give you better insight to things. it's weird to be like "academia is ableist and prohibitive to POC and the poor" and at the same time be like I wish I was an academic :(

Fri, August 15, 2025 - 14:16

here's my random complaint of the day: I wish I had friends that wanted to talk about the books I'm reading that is apparently boring for other people because it's all sociology-related things. literally last night my sis said she didn't want to hear about it

like yeah go ahead and be honest 'cause that's better overall but how come I have to listen to you talk about your fiction books I couldn't care that much about. my sister does this thing where she wants to talk and she sets the conversation boundaries like 70% of the time and then when people don't talk enough she feels like she's the one putting in all the work. well maybe I wouldn't feel like that if I was on the same wavelength and I got to talk about whatever dumb comics or the serious books I'm reading but nooo

I know if I said this to her she would just be like. well just try to talk about it anyway. why? when you have straight up said you are not interested in some of the stuff I'm interested in ? ? ? anyway.

the times that I do summarize a book I've been reading for my sis and her BF I feel like I'm on some kind of spark notes podium where the amount of time I'm talking is now uncomfortably long because I'm used to shutting up and I feel pressured to make them understand why the thing I'm reading is important or whatever. I don't actually know if they care or learn anything from it. this is why talking to my friend is so much better because we don't even fucking bother with small talk; I send an email I spent 2 hours writing summarizing everything I found interesting about a book and my thoughts about it and then on the phone (on the two times it's actually happened) they just start replying to me point by point and it's like oh thank god someone gives a shit. thank god I can actually discuss these ideas with someone and expand my thinking. my book club is all right but the discussions are usually pretty surface level due to the sheer number of people. I WANT TO GET INTO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to just be like I read this and I find this idea really interesting, let's Talk about it, with no small talk. I yearn for idea discussion and this is something I literally lack in everywhere else in my life rip

Tues, August 5, 2025 - 18:42

The problem with talking with people who are bad about their boundaries all the time is that you legitimately can't tell if talking to them is good or useful for them or if it's just seen as another bid on their attention when they're already burnt out. It doesn't really matter what they say about it since it's really hard to take them at their word if they don't even want to admit to their own limits. I just don't want to be that person that says something and it's like, oh you were really tired actually so I should've just not said anything.

It's almost like an advanced form of attempting to mind read. It feels easier to assume that anything I bring up is actually just going to be received badly. And I'm kind of tired of that. I want to be able to talk to someone who I know is always down to talk or can tell me how much of a break they want to take (or can actually take a break from other people if I'm not the primary problem). I think finding someone that's genuinely excited to talk to you is pretty rare. Especially when you tend to be the type of person that overexplains and overtalks in general. At some point for any regular person it just becomes too much to keep up with, and when they don't say that it's like, I have to monitor my own paragraph lengths.

If it isn't obvious, I'm just wishing I had my got-no-free-time friend back yet again. Kind of feel like I don't need to talk to anyone about my thoughts besides them sometimes, even though that's not technically true whenever I run into communication errors with them. It's truly a grass is greener on the other side sort of thing. I'm tired.

Fri, August 2, 2025 - 00:41

half paying attention to this stream and I feel like I'm in an airplane with the constant hum of the sound and it makes me feel... kind of happy and nostalgic for some reason. being in airplanes when things are going fine makes me feel like all sorts of things are possible ig

it's weird though because it also gives me like vague heart squeeze. I don't know what I'm missing so bad. the illusion of hope? lol

Wed, July 30, 2025 - 16:00

I'm probably going to start calling myself disabled again because of stuff my therapist has said. This happens when I run into limits. I'm tired of suffering emotionally all the time. In times I'm doing better I really start feeling a faker, but I guess if we think about how disability doesn't have to be permanent and people can phase in and out of it depending on the treatments available and the situation they're living in, I guess it doesn't hurt to just say I am. I mean, I don't know who I'd actually say that to. It might just be a private thing while I'll just tell people that I have a lot of mental problems that make stuff like work hard for me.

I feel sad.

Thurs, July 24, 2025 - 00:01

It's incredible how you can spend almost 4 hours a day just reading the same stuff and not knowing what the "correct" answer is because the instructor doesn't give straight answers. I've literally started a document to house all of the things I'm unsure about so when I inevitably fail this grammar exam I can refer to it and see if that is why. This course better fucking be better after this grammar unit (if I can even finish this, goddamn) because this is driving me crazy.

Mon, July 14, 2025 - 22:28

Didn't even manage to draw today because of the termite guy coming over in the morning and I'm getting all anxious again because I'm looking at something I should try to apply for. I wish job interviews didn't scare me so bad. At least this is just a contract position so they probably don't care that much. And it's remote. And I probably won't get it. so anyway.

I should probably try to apply this week. I'm tired though and don't really want to. But my scoping studying is going very slow and if I don't figure out something I'm going to lose my healthcare in like 5 months so I should at least try. :(

Fri, June 13, 2025 - 15:06

I got around to posting it but now I'm dealing with the dread that it won't be well received even though I didn't make it for anyone but me to begin with. I guess I'm just afraid that people will prove yet again that the things I make don't matter. which is nonsensical because why do they have to matter to anyone but me, anyway?

I'm noticing that the peak of my enjoyment of making something is always from like the 25~75% completion (0~25% is the frustration phase that it's not far enough along). Around the 75% mark there's diminishing returns with every update made to said project and it gets infinitely more about fiddling with the small details that make me feel like I'm wasting my time. And then after I have to post something the enjoyment drops to like 0%. But if I don't post something that I actually think other people might enjoy then the "what if people love it" fantasies get to me. What is up with this thought process? It's inconvenient and I wish I could simply just not care. ??

Thurs, June 12, 2025 - 13:39

I wanted to post this AMV I made that's been keeping me up at night with the monkey brains and I can't because Google is having an outage. orz..........

Fri, May 30, 2025 - 18:28

I'm sad and I want to be important to someone and to be paid attention to but I also don't want to bother with giving it back. so I don't actually want to bother with friends. though I guess that just makes me like my parents all over again. but I'd rather not be selfish with this anyway...

Mon, May 19, 2025 - 23:11

Feeling antsy like I didn't do enough today for some reason. Wanting to get more stuff done but this is technically unwinding time. Bleh

Fri, May 16, 2025 - 12:00

got my first rejection email without even an interview lol ...

if only i couldve mentioned my fanwork

but whatever i didn't want to interview anyway. i shouldn't have spent all that time even bothering with my cover letter if this is how it was gonna be

Thurs, May 15, 2025 - 14:11

Keeping going back and forth between "it's so over" and "maybe this is fine" about the prospect of having to interview and I can't keep it consistent

Tues, May 13, 2025 - 21:55

HELP my sister has fallen in love with the sky dragon and wants to share it I DON'T WANT TO SHARE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can jellycat please restock its dragons RIGHT NOW so I can get another one I want this sky oen to live on my bed so bad please please pleaes ple

Tues, May 13, 2025 - 14:46

my sister found the sky jellycat dragon (large) on her trip and got it for me so my prize for surviving the anxiety of the one (1) job application is on its way already. life is okay and fine and beautful and i don't have to die there is a sky dragon watching over me

i don't even care if i get an interview or if i bomb said interviews. peace and love on earth

Tues, May 13, 2025 - 12:17

just finished How Do We Relationship... truly manga of all time

i would have wanted some more after they started dating again stuff tho... i feel like saeko just being boring in the job realm was also not that satisfying but ig it was trying to say she wasn't boring about letting her be in love with miwa so it was like boring in one way out-of-the-box in another. hmhm. not completely sure i vibe with the "normal" thing and i really would want to see them deal with oppression in terms of like sorting out papers and figuring out what the end of life would look like and get more of the queer scene but that would've taken longer and for how many chapters it had i'm satisfied and this is still currently my favorite manga of all time.

Tamaki though... 💔💔💔💔💔💔 aaaauuuuuu....

Sat, May 11, 2025 - 21:11

It really is time to just give up playing Latale now that I have new shiny anxiety thing (job application) that is going to haunt my life for an entire month until I get rejected or ghosted. Sigh. I never finished my goal in this game but the goal was also shit tier gacha level type of nonsense so whatever. I'm out I gotta recalibrate and also probably quit my guilds...?

Fri, May 9, 2025 - 11:18

I really cannot fall asleep before 6 am anymore because of anxiety about applying for one (1) job simply for practice. Fuckin' dire out here. This is just going to be my life until they hand me my rejection or comfortably ghost me. And I haven't even gotten around to submitting it yet. Why do things have to be so hard for no reason @ body

Tues, May 6, 2025 - 13:49

Totally missed my chance to bring up something on the volunteer call but I was feeling so out of it I didn't even want to speak. Now wondering whether the thing I spent like an hour writing up as a suggestion I just going to be forgotten but I also don't have it in me to like. ask. because I feel like I missed my chance. I just feel stupid. I don't know anymore I don't really want to do anything. so good at wasting my time.

Mon, May 5, 2025 - 15:46

I think part of the problem is that now I'm missing all of that data it does two things:

I want to delete this page entirely and start again but that's only going to fix the second problem while making the first problem worse. I've fucked up. this is fucked. there's no point for me having a blog like this. maybe I should just move somewhere else and start again where no one I know can watch me fuck up like this in real time.

Mon, May 5, 2025 - 15:40

I forgot that I don't have anywhere else to bitch so I'm back here again. Forever think it's a major personality flaw of mine to want to have my thoughts in semi-public. Envy people who don't need to give a shit about what other people think and who don't have some inflated sense of being interesting or important.

feels cringe and embarrassing to write anything here now. but at least no one should be reading this anyway so it's all in my head. or something. I still can't believe I deleted 2 months worth of thoughts it drives me crazy thinking about losing data like that. which is weird because when I was tweeting I didn't really give a shit if Twitter killed itself and took all my nonconsequential thoughts with it. Don't know what the difference is. Maybe because it's my own fault and that's what's driving me crazy.

I'm so off schedule today. cringe and fail person who can't do anything right but we all knew that

Sun, May 4, 2025 - 19:08

Spent another hour instead of cooking or eating trying to figure out if I could potentially grab an earlier version of this page and not have 2 months of data missing but all I've confirmed is that it's impossible. Maybe I should just delete this blog tbh like what's the point of all of this even. It's not like everything I've ever said is important and it's also not like I need friends or anything. Feeling like maybe I should just delete all of my accounts and stop talking to anyone. Except I can't because of my stupid translation group. Ugh. What the fuck is this I feel like I've been chained for 5+ years I just don't want to have to talk to anyone or know anyone anymore I don't care

I just can't believe that the first post on this page now is discussion about my stupid fucking art piece that should die in a fire anyway for being nothing but a failure. And what about all the struggle I went through in March. Like it didn't even happen. Bro what am I here for

Sun, May 4, 2025 - 18:01

I just realized that I somehow accidentally deleted all of February and March on this page. Well. Those are thoughts that don't exist anymore, I guess.

Sun, May 4, 2025 - 17:47

Maybe it's telling that the creatures I generate in my head when I'm trying to do the whole ACT exercise is just filled with oranges and yellows and one vicious wolf-dog that I hate and hates me and is also trying to bite every single one of my other little beings. Like of course given that none of these things actually make me feel good which is why I have to separate them out they're going to be an animal I hate (relatively) and colors that are the polar opposite of my favorites.

>claims to be a blue water fan
>head is filed with oranges and yellows in a basic ass grassy field

Sun, May 4, 2025 - 17:14

Tried to set up a shared folder over network, failed. I want to hurt myself. physically.

Sun, May 4, 2025 - 16:33

Why the fuck is it SO absurdly hard to move files off of iPad onto a Windows computer. Filegarden refuses to let me sign in on my iPad now for whatever reason so guess I'll just die. The navigation for uploading the files through GDrive is literally torture because you can only select one file at a time through the iPad interface for GDrive specifically. Why that is, I don't know. I want to scream it's wasting 30+ minutes of my time. I hate technology so fucking mch

Sat, May 3, 2025 - 15:35

Always annoying to deal with the feeling of like "why didn't you get this it's like so obvious" or whatever because that's literally not true for anything in this world and sometimes I'm that idiot that doesn't intuit process or observation or whatever it is. Sometimes I think people aren't observant enough but like.... I guess it's better to just know what people do Not understand the first time around. Every time I write documents I'm always like, man what is someone going to miss this time because apparently people's brains don't work like mine.

Funny as hell because I can't observe anything in real life I'm only this way about documents or whatever. Blargh. I do not like feeling annoyed but I guess it ultimately comes down to worrying about my time which I'm feeling like I'm wasting already. Which is a me problem and not a them problem. blehhh

Fri, May 2, 2025 - 23:04

Was pretty out of it today but I hope I manage to get stuff done tomorrow...

Fri, May 2, 2025 - 15:37

Don't know if I'm like recovering from yesterday's 8 hour excursion or this morning's therapy appt and doctor's appt got me zapped or what but Im just back in bed

world too much

chest lump isn't huge issue

Thurs, May 1, 2025 - 12:00

Trying to take notes on my last book club book for easier reference but it's going so slow I think I'm going to be stuck here for another two weeks (and then I'm probably going to have to take notes on the book about decolonizing museums also, lol).

Wed, April 30, 2025 - 12:36

Why did I just text wall someone about thoughts on oppression olympics instead of doing anything useful with my life lol

Wed, April 30, 2025 - 10:40

Even when I wake up earlier I cannot seem to commit to getting out of bed. There's nothing I'd rather do than be in bed. Hm.

Tues, April 29, 2025 - 15:00

Can't believe I wasted my time just for my PCP to say she didn't feel anything and to go talk to my surgeon. Ugh. Healthcare and transportation in this country is a joke.

Tues, April 29, 2025 - 14:28

Can't wait until this appt is over and I just get confirmation this lump is scar tissue -_- hate being at the doctor's

Sun, April 27, 2025 - 21:35

Been upset all day since bashing up my knee on the bus and I have to find another person to take over polling for my TL group ugghhh and aughhh why does there always have to be so much training i have to do i just want to do my things. hate running a group hate being in charge of people

Fri, April 25, 2025 - 16:52

Need to get up and draw but I'm so cold. And I did social stuff that scares me and might even randomly be getting a meal with someone at some point. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Fri, April 25, 2025 - 13:03

I'm trying soooo fucking hard to socialize by following up with small Signal messages aaaaaaaaaaeiou god

Fri, April 25, 2025 - 11:34

people mention that it's weird when they go over to their white friends' house and don't get fed and im 🧍‍♂️ because i also do not feed people. on account of im a horrible cook and i would. not subject people to this

i dont know if when they're saying this they expect like moms or grandmoms to be there to offer food (if not the friend if friend garbo at cooking) but liek... i got neither on account of my family bad ALSO most of the women in my family also suck at cooking im sorry

"how do you get by" we literally all just ate terrible food. my mom might win for the worst cook among her sisters tho. i have like 1 aunt that cooks well and that's it

Thurs, April 24, 2025 - 1:09

Having a hard time sleeping. Finished reading a fiction book that I enjoyed and am now ruminating too much over social interactions. Woe. I need to get more sleep and then I never do

Wed, April 23, 2025 - 14:50

CLIP STUDIO CRASHED ON MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! 😱😱😱😱😱😱

Tues, April 22, 2025 - 18:45

Feeling like I failed the being a good friend test again today lol

and my art is seriously stalling because I'm caught up on random details again

major bleh

Tues, April 22, 2025 - 10:47

I think I forgot to set my alarm -_-

I'm truly lettin my sleep go any which way lately woe

Mon, April 21, 2025 - 23:46

Okay so I generate one set of monsters and now my brain is dreaming about doing more ink work and maybe even drawing anime characters (like Desscaras) and how cool would that be if I could actually get it to look good (but I'd have to do So. much more prep work for that via sketch and stuff).

Okay, rainbow gradient creatures. Take it away it's time to brush my teeth

Mon, April 21, 2025 - 23:24

Brain is telling me to read romance comics like I didn't already spend an hour doing that today and like I'm not supposed to avoid doing that at night specifically because I then find it too fun to think about in bed rather than sleep. Come on, man

I hope tomorrow I manage to do more? I did stuff today but hmm. Meh. There's always so much to do and so much to think and so much to say and so little certainty about whether any of it matters or whether I'm doing the right thing, etc.

It's hard. Brb conjuring little monster guys to hold these feelings for me as a background process that tires itself out

Mon, April 21, 2025 - 19:38

I feel kind of like a bad person for not checking up on someone who had been venting to me in March but I also don't want to take on the role of being someone's emotional support... But I worry because they havent reached out to the person I was trying to have stand in as my replacement ugh

Mon, April 21, 2025 - 11:17

Puttering around in bed having fallen asleep too late and trying to make up for it because feeling sleepy sucks, again.

At some point I'm going to have to suck it up and try to wake up On Time again but also without triggering a migraine. I hate how much willpower is required to wake up and get out of bed when feeling comfy is the point of life

Mon, April 21, 2025 - 00:53

I need to stop saying "guy" about other people but I don't have a good casual term for referring to a person. Like, "they need to stop giving this guy so much credit" what can replace "guy" here? "person" is like too formal. hmmmmm

Fri, April 18, 2025 - 13:49

Why is "than" both a conjunction and a preposition (or neither)

Bothers me because I'm going to need to know what to do with it for punctuation. probably. Unless the answer is to just never put a comma before it, but I haven't actually gotten around to the Rules yet since I'm still learning the basic structure stuff.

Wed, April 16, 2025 - 16:26

Art going so slow and bad and hung up on technicalities again. Stuff like this makes me wonder why I draw sometimes, but I really want to figure it out, also.

The contest should be over like tomorrow, was it? There's only 4 votes separating my piece from a piece that basically looks like it was drawn by an elementary schooler, color pencil on paper and unclear shapes and everything. Either all of that player's friends are voting for them or it truly just goes to show that all the time I spend doesn't mean anything to other people. I guess that's fine and all but it doesn't bode well for my artistic dreams. But whatever, I already knew that nothing I make is going to be popular and will only have like 10 readers.

Sometimes you can spend decades on something and it can mean very little to the world. I would be okay with that if I felt like my life had any other purpose but it doesn't.

Other, better art than either me or my friend's showed up so that's probably going to win. Which makes sense. I'm not going to place.

Wed, April 16, 2025 - 12:05

Lazing around lately... I'm so not locked in. Need to stop reading comics at night again. I started a bad habit again due to my migraine attack. Sigh

Tues, April 15, 2025 - 19:43

Random but I guess I should've bought a new iPad before the tariff stuff started, huh. Guess we'll see how long this one can hold out for

Tues, April 15, 2025 - 18:46

My mouse keeps dropping my drag lately I'm sad I don't want to have to get yet another mouse. Why does every bluetooth mouse only last for like 2 years and yet I don't have enough USB ports to be able to keep a wired one plugged permanently

Tues, April 15, 2025 - 14:12

Damn why am I so tired. I say this like every day but. what would it be to not feel tired. I feel like the only other option is like anxious.

Tues, April 15, 2025 - 12:39

Having a lazy morning. Backed up an old blog that only contained vent posts from 10 years ago. Read some of them and feel queasy. Like the sides of my stomach are tensing.

Some part of me still isn't over this and it's screaming that it wants to be selfish and talk about things that don't matter. It wants so badly to be in the fandom mindset.

But I've chosen otherwise and have for like 10 years. I know why and my decision hasn't changed. Regardless, the little monster is upset and throwing a crying fit over not being able to think about some random ship for all my waking time. It's vastly overestimating how badly I need this.

Mon, April 14, 2025 - 15:37

Man, I'm tired of feeling off and sad. Sighhhhh

Mon, April 14, 2025 - 3:07

I like my thoughts page. It makes me feel important even though I know for a fact not a single soul is reading. It's the illusion of the thing. It doesn't update in any RSS feed. It's a near perfect combo of writing for myself but tricking myself into thinking it's public so someone will care and think I am sooo interesting or something utterly inane and egocentric like that. I get to be annoying without annoying anyone. Peace on Earth. I love placebo

Mon, April 14, 2025 - 3:01

Can't sleep. Is there anything more fake about gender than the fact that most boy characters are voiced by women. Even when they grow up it's not like they change VAs midway through. It's just so funny. So much for biological difference. If we need so many markers to separate us because we don't just Gain a Set of Traits that are near infallible...

Humans are so so so good at lying to themselves and dividing over nearly nothing. They see one (1) difference and go ok these are two groups and since I can think of a few other differences that correlates between them... ish.... i will say all of these traits as a bundle are unique to each group. this will not hurt anyone and is totally objective and just

Sun, April 13, 2025 - 15:56

When I have to talk to people through voice call it's always like aaaughh... I hate how high my voice is -_-;; it's not even That High but like having a voice that most people would call "woman" is just bleh and meh

Not to mention I'm bad at phrasing and stuff. lol

Sun, April 13, 2025 - 12:26

Am I becoming more allergic to my cats? I pet one today and the same bump flared up so bad. My other fingers felt itchy-ish also. I don't like this.

Sat, April 12, 2025 - 20:21

Lost my hours to migraine hell, oh how it sucketh

Sat, April 12, 2025 - 11:07

Not seeing any flea dirt around any of the places the cats typically sleep. So wtf bit me? Something from outside last night that took hours to show up? That low on my finger? Confusing. I'm probably going to continue anxiety checking for a week before I call things clear.

Finger still so itchy.

Sat, April 12, 2025 - 10:07

Back to 3 hours of sleep. Right as I was about to clear a week of getting at least 7. Lol

Sat, April 12, 2025 - 1:52

Flow fucked me up so I'm still awake. I have a super itchy bug bite on a knuckle of my left hand and it's annoying and also giving me anxiety that one of my cats might have fleas again or something because it only appeared after I rested my hand on her for a while since I was crying. Ummm.

Like it had to be a bug on her of some sort or why would it be there... I hope it's just like a carpet beetle hair or something that irritated me.

Every year near summer I start freaking out about bugs and it sucks.

Fri, April 11, 2025 - 19:13

I forgot the temps drop hella at night and dressed too light RIP i hope we don't walk around a lot after this dinner

Fri, April 11, 2025 - 14:57

Sent a message to my surgeon's office... We'll see on Monday I guess

Fri, April 11, 2025 - 10:45

I'm probably happier in my life now than I have ever been in the existence of my being but I still don't feel safe. And March was really bad for me. Also last year's first half year was super bad for me due to the surgery. Lol.

It's like... congrats on being less fucked up... is this as good as it gets?

Fri, April 11, 2025 - 10:14

This random lump in my chest near my drain hole scar continues to give me health anxiety even though I'm 70% sure it's internal scar tissue. Im going to have to make time next week to visit my surgeon's office to have them reassure me ig...

I just dont want anything else to go wrong with this I want to move on. Too much already went wrong a year ago.

Thurs, April 10, 2025 - 17:50

Oh my god... listening to Sora no Kakera from Dennou Coil and I miss this show I should watch it. But also I never looked at the lyrics before and now that I know more Japanese I realize it super connects to the opening song and also the final ep. What if I just blew myself up

Wed, April 9, 2025 - 22:29

Okay you can... because what else would it be? Why did my grammar book not mark this? This grammar book is driving me crazy. I guess I should've bought the other $50 on basic grammar descriptions but why was that even a separate deal to begin with instead of just combining all 3 books? I hate grammar actually

Wed, April 9, 2025 - 21:38

Hate it when I spend time looking shit up and I can't find the answer. Currently cannot figure out if dependent clauses can have indirect objects or if the entire clause is acting as a direct object for the sentence you just ignore it or whatever.

Example: I asked the men whether they could bring me a copy. Is "me" an indirect object, even though "whether they could bring me a copy" is overall a direct object?

fuckin' hell. pointless knowledge, I'm sure. I just hate not having answers.

Wed, April 9, 2025 - 19:12

I think I'm done memorizing prepositions and then there's phrasal prepositions. Sighs and drags myself back to making all these flashcards. Which takes up so much time honestly and I haven't even reviewed them for today (scream).

Need to eat dinner and work on reading my book club book though. Death

Wed, April 9, 2025 - 18:42

I hate how grammar terms have like five billion names
subjective case = nominative case
phrasal preposition = compound preposition = complex preposition
helping verb = auxiliary verb
linking verb = condition verb = copular verb etc. etc.

you guys are killing me

Wed, April 9, 2025 - 10:28

Forgot to set an alarm and woke up 90 mins late blah

Mon, April 7, 2025 - 21:22

I cracked and ended up venting a little in the general friend server and I feel a bit bad about it tbh because I feel like I should know better and that probably everyone there has more emotional stuff on their plate than I do. The people that responded were actually not who I thought might. It's almost like I posted it in a specific group chat even though I did not because I didn't want to bother the people there.

It was helpful because I remembered what the core of the problem is after talking through it a bit but it also took like 40+ minutes so that can't have been good for other people's schedules. will have to think about where else to vent in the future.

I brought this up at therapy but I have too many other pending issues to work through that we didn't talk about it in depth at all. Maybe my therapist already sensed that it was connected to these other deeper problems so they just went straight for the other stuff.

Mon, April 7, 2025 - 16:14

Reading the news and thinking about how this world is so unfair and terrible to people like Mahmoud Khalil and Kilmar Abrego Garcia.

Also thinking about how the economy is fake and money as made up in the capitalist system means nothing other than vibes. And it's depressing.

I was supposed to have killed myself by now. I had made up some silly list of dates that I don't have anymore but it was stuff like 2/22/22, 2/23/23, 2/24/24. I guess technically since February has 28 days the last day could be 2/28/28 which is in 3 years. But I was never able to do any of this because I never got a real job which means I never got an apartment in which I could live alone and then kill myself without traumatizing my sister and her boyfriend. So what am I supposed to do about that.

A while ago I admitted to my therapist I wanted to live, but that feels so pathetic and corny. I guess I crave control. I said I wouldn't suicide tweet anymore etc. but I guess I'm just arcing back to this because it's never something you're done with until your live materially improves or you actually find someone who makes you want to keep living for whatever reason. I have someone like that but we can't meet because life is full of abusive people and a lack of money. All I've ever wanted to do was work on drawing a comic. It sucks.

Being a witness to the world's horrors doesn't amount to much. I still am not doing much with my life or much for anyone. I just feel so bad about it sometimes.

A friend wants to resume venting to me. I've set it to just Wednesdays and Fridays, but I can't say I'm looking forward to it. I have to figure out how to get them to therapy but I also don't want the responsibility. Sigh.

Mon, April 7, 2025 - 9:33

Just remembered that I'm going to be 30 next year and I really hate that for me. I feel like I haven't accomplished enough basic things to warrant being 30. My whole life is just going to be lagging behind everyone else. Probably not much would've been different if I had been blown up at 18 randomly like I was hoping. Sigh. Numbers may not be real but I feel too immature to be 30. I feel like I should've figured out my social anxiety better by now. Ugh.

Sun, April 6, 2025 - 10:59

I want to just post all of these damn book thoughts already to get them out of my drafts but I have to run everything that mentions any fact about my friend by them in order to protect their privacy and they aren't very free to respond to me... Sigh...

Sat, April 5, 2025 - 12:25

Main thought I had last night before falling asleep was the somewhat comforting realization that most other people aren't like me. Most other people live way more interesting lives filled with a variety of experiences from talking to people and going places and eating out etc. etc.

This means that interactions I feel embarrassed about still now that were 5 years ago or more probably don't even exist in people's minds because they've had an opportunity to experience far more important things, whether good or bad. People generally aren't frozen in place like I am, and I can see it with the friends I interact with online, too. Their lives all look radically different after 5 years and they're getting jobs, etc. (though not as radically different as people who primarily exist in the offline.)

So, anyway. I think I'm going to try to just be like "5 years ago doesn't exist to any of these people" when I'm hit with embarrassing memories. It's funny that I've only realized this because I mentioned how a friend of mine can't even connect a name to their ex's when I mention their ex offhand to a therapist and I thought this was like weird and stuff and my therapist thought it wasn't that unusual, actually, because you can have a lot of new experiences in 5 years.

I may be like an iceberg but other people move on. So I can just continue hunkering down and letting them move on from me and my mistakes, eventually.

Sat, April 5, 2025 - 9:53

I managed to get up earlier today but I don't know what to do with myself... gah

Fri, April 4, 2025 - 16:12

My therapist says that I'm going through a low period right now and I was like am I really. and they said that I'm thinking a lot about efficiency and getting critical of myself again so from what they've observed during working with me that is the case right now. If that's true then I've been in a low period for the entire month of March also.

I guess a good sense of this is the fact that I just am not doing translation stuff anymore for my group. I just cannot bring up the fucks to give anymore even as I feel bad for letting people down. I don't know what I want anymore I don't know what the purpose of life given that I can't achieve and that using achieving as a measure when I was born with the wrong mindset and skills for achieving was always going to let me down anyway.

I can't protect myself. People will hurt me because they can. My privilege might provide some barrier. But I can't twist myself into being worth it for other people and I should grieve and then give up trying.

Thurs, April 3, 2025 - 17:40

GERUNDS AREN'T FUCKING REAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WASTING MY TIME!

Thurs, April 3, 2025 - 10:41

Made a bad decision last night and as a result probably got only 3 hours of sleep.

Sometimes I get too cocky about my ability to fall asleep. I really should just head immediately to bed if I feel tired or whatever idk. I probably also need to reread parts of The Sleep Book again. I can't even start on chapter 4 with the sleep restriction thing because I can't get myself to only have one bad night in the last 7 days which would make me feel more safe migraine wise.

But I guess that's arbitrary because March should have given me at least 2 migraines with all the stress and the bad sleep but I didn't get any (killer) ones. So I guess my propranolol is guarding me and I should just square up and start doing the sleep restriction of chapter 4 (at least it isn't like the CBT-I version which is incredibly brutal).

Wed, April 2, 2025 - 22:36

Sometimes I wish I could bother someone to tell me that I'm doing good or at least not fucking terrible but that would be quite annoying because I'd want to hear it every day and like who on earth could say such a thing and actually mean it every day? Askin' too much.

Almost makes me wonder whether there's some kind of canned character line thing that could pop something like that up when I get sad. But it'd have to be like from Filbert from Animal Crossing because I don't want an anime person telling me these things lol. Maybe it's a sign that I need to log onto Pocket Camp again but it's so hard to balance that with Pikmin Bloom and also Latale...

Tues, April 1, 2025 - 18:11

Okay I did say something wrong LOLOLOLOLOL I take it back I have no skills -_- like zero nothing at all. incredible

I just want to lie down and cry at this point lol time to fake being normal until I can. I still don't understand this grammar stuff ugh

It's just so tiring being a failure sometimes I just reach my limit of taking it I wish I was better at literally anything

Tues, April 1, 2025 - 17:56

Ugh. I always feel like I'm going to say the wrong thing. I hate having to watch myself but there's no other way to do things or be or exist or anything I just have to lie down in my bed of needles because I am who I am

Tues, April 1, 2025 - 17:48

The art cycle: Sketch cool idea → Go, oh boy now for the hard part → Line and despair over how bad anatomy is → Finish lining at some point and then realize you're never going to color this good → Waste life putting down base colors because you're a textured brush user who can't just fill bucket as easily → Spend 394023 hours rendering something very badly and redo it 5 times → Go, hey, maybe this actually looks good → become delusional → Think it's actually good → Apply finishing touches → Stare at it on the computer monitor and then change small things → Think "okay I'm done with it" → It gets very little positive feedback → Come to the realization that it isn't actually good and will never be as good as the stuff in your inspiration folder → Notice all the flaws → Realize that you suck at art

And yet not trying is somehow worse. This is truly a prison of my own making. I guess the main problem is that I desperately want to be good at something but I'm not actually good at anything no matter when it comes to art, or translating, or being sociable, or knowing grammar. The only thing I'm good at is handling people emotionally one-on-one and that's not like a skill I even care to be good at.

Tues, April 1, 2025 - 17:23

Watching my friend's art rack up more points than mine when we posted on the same day is also very much like, a reminder that someone can spend a lot less time on something and yet make an art piece that appeals to people more. Just because I put in "more effort" doesn't mean that what I do is better or even good.

Posting things online is always a huge reality check for me and I've never gotten used to it. Like, I've adapted by primarily not posting art online anymore so that I don't have to feel chained to numbers. But I've never actually finished internalizing it, I guess, because I still feel like crap about it when I do actually have to post it.

I'm just the wrong person for art and my focus is wrong. I know this but I keep doing it anyway. I need to be okay with having bad art but it's very hard sometimes to accept because I think it should be good and then it's like, not really, to the average person.

There's so much in life I don't have because I can't achieve. Don't even have a paycheck, etc. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm tired. Someday when I'm 50 I'm going to be thinking the same thing as I am now and I'm going to just die somewhere in the corner some decades after that if I'm lucky. Or maybe it's luckier to die earlier if things go to shit idk tbh

Tues, April 1, 2025 - 17:08

Gerunds, Participles and Infinitives are kicking my ass again I'm really fucking annoyed how this grammar book doesn't explain them and also pretends certain forms of them don't exist. Didn't even bother to label them properly in the worksheet. seething

Tues, April 1, 2025 - 14:42

I feel like I should be better and be able to focus and get my life together or whatever but I don't feel like that at all. I feel kind of useless and sluggish and also like I'm not doing enough I don't know. I haven't fixed my sleep, I'm not achieving anything... My studying is going so slow even when I try (but I'm also not even fully locked in or anything).

I just feel pathetic lol.

Tues, April 1, 2025 - 12:59

Finally got to post the art piece but now I see stuff I want to change but no, I shan't.... I'm anxious though from posting it weeeeh

Mon, March 31, 2025 - 15:02

Finished my art piece... Dm