Tired of life and this country
I just feel bad about Trump's bill passing. It just feels like yesterday continuing to today where society reminds me that they don't think that my life is worth anything. Forget food stamps, I'm going to have to do something about my healthcare now. I'm thinking of sending an email to the place with the shitty girl-oriented novels (shitty not necessarily because of what they choose but because most works written by women also still include BS like sexual assault and crappy dudes) and editing for them again for chump change and then saying I worked more hours than I did for next app to keep my health insurance.
This is fine and all, but I feel like I was just coming to terms with how I was using my time and trying to convince that what I was using it on wasn't useless even if I was going at a snail pace with everything and now I have to add one more thing when all I want to do is be happy and not work on shitty stuff if I'm not even getting paid for it. (This is assuming that they even take me back — if they don't, I don't really know what else to do. I have to do some kind of freelance of some sort.)
I just feel like garbage. I feel bad for wanting to rest and take things easy. Like I should've been grinding harder and then maybe I would've had a future or something where I could actually access healthcare. I also hate that I'm incapable of giving things up because I want them to be done a certain way or I feel guilty or whatever. Given that I don't want to give things up though I guess the only thing I can make peace with is either I drive myself crazy until I have migraines again or I just accept that I do everything way too slow and anything I want to get done will only get done in terms of 5 or 10 years of time. It's so fucking grueling out here. They say if you study 15-20 hours a week you can get this Scopist training done in 6 months but even at me doing like 7 hours I'm far far behind and I genuinely don't think I'll get it done in another 4 years at this rate.
I just hate how everything is about efficiency and I'm literally anything but efficient. What the fuck is wrong with me