Tried to apply to a volunteer position, but don't think it'll happen
The country of the USA is going to shit, so I figure I should at least help somewhere more than I'm already doing. Because what else can you do but try to help somewhere before the end takes us all, anyway?
It looks like all social justice orgs basically put their apps up on Instagram. I do not use Instagram because I don't like how everything has to have an image and I want to primarily read text on social media. Nevertheless, I reached out to someone in my book club since they said they were tuned in with immigration organizations, and asked if they had seen anything that wasn't super social. They gave me one org, I filled out a Google form for it last week, and that was it. No response, and I checked back today to see that all the positions had been filled.
Today, my therapist notified me of another opportunity that deals with looking over transcripts. That's basically what I did in my last (one-and-only) job, so I submitted a volunteer app. But it wanted me to include my resume and indicated that there will be some kind of interview if selected. I don't think I can make it through an interview. I don't like uptalking myself and quantifying everything in numbers and it's hard for me to remember stuff like when I made a mistake and how did I fix it yadayada because when I make a mistake I generally want to kill myself and they all blur together besides when I'm getting attacked by one via memory. There's like no real narrative to give other people there, just me crying in the shower and I can't remember the details anymore mostly the feeling and the general thing that caused the feeling but not the specifics necessary for this exercise.
Anyway I don't think I'll get it. And given the response from the other app, I think in general I'm not needed. Like I want to help somehow but I can't because I'm socially anxious and nowhere will ever accommodate that because everyone wants to make sure that the person they're working with has good vibes and the way they ascertain those vibes is through scripted language that I hate and feels antithetical to my being when I try.
I wish I was a liar and that I lied for fun. It would make this easy.
I just want to do some data entry or handle mail or something and pretend that I'm helping an organization that actually does something that matters. Something that's out there actually helping people with marginalized identities try to survive.
Even the position I have on the help desk for the organization I've been volunteering with for the past 5 years has been changed at this point where any new help desk volunteers had to go through an interview. If I had applied later I wouldn't have made it in. (That, and that I'm somewhat disillusioned with this organization, but I don't have anywhere else I can help.)
It's always the same. The most "worthless" human being is someone who can't communicate with other people as other people demand, which is also why people with intellectual disabilities are treated so poorly. They have it harder than me but I'm already not cut out for life and I'll never be.
I didn't get anything done today because of all the social anxiety spiraling. I also feel pathetic for that. ugh.