typical vent thoughts
Feeling bad again. It's just all the same stuff again so I can't even write anything new. It's very hard for me to not feel sad about being bad at things. It's also hard because I know that I shouldn't need validation and looking for that sort of thing only points to fundamental insecurities in the person. However, it's hard because I feel like the guard to not needing validation is to have a huge ego but when you have a big ego you're more likely not to recognize how you can improve. Also I guess it's really embarrassing to me when someone says they're good at something and they're just average or even bad. Though if they don't feel embarrassed I guess I shouldn't need to on their behalf but I guess I just do because I also see that kind of gap as inconveniencing other people and thus earning their ire. I suppose having to be embarrassed on my mom's behalf for so many years has taught me this. Also because she's not a good person and doesn't improve anyone's life.
I can't get over how I have nothing. I don't have any actual skills or any finished projects or anything I can prove I have a right to exist. There's nothing I can say that will impress other people or make their lives better. It's like this twin issue of how my dad talks about things and only cares about people who have accomplished things and how he frames his own life journey, and the moral responsibility I feel to try to help people in the world and how I'm failing that extremely badly because I don't earn money or get material resources that ultimately are what people need for their lives to improve.
I explained to a friend the other day about my mental processes and also how I think a lot of people (me included) see others as a collection of past achievements and imagined future achievements. They said they couldn't relate to that at all. I think that's the healthier way to think but I keep thinking that other people aren't at all like my friend. And if I don't achieve, how can I protect myself from that? I guess the answer is that I can't protect myself and thinking I could at all was a lie that just feeds the shame cycle, which is an ultimate distraction from the fact that there's very little I can do to stop other people from deciding that my life is worthless. And maybe they will tell me so. And I have to figure out how to live with that.